Peace After Meteor
by Laney Y
Summary: Okay... the annual Miss Midgar Pageant is bringing the worst out in everyone... Tifa's after the crown, Vincent's forced to judge, and Reno's out for revenge. Err, long-awaited Chaper 7?
1. Default Chapter

Everyone was either pissed off, or sulking.  So basically, Cloud thought, nothing different to usual.  And it was raining as well, which meant everyone was stuck in the house. Well, he had tried to suggest that Cid and Barret go for a swim in the ocean, but they ignored him.  Now, why didn't he listen to that little voice when it said to NOT invite everyone to live with him in the Villa after they saved the world? WHY, DAMMIT?  Cloud hit himself for that stupid decision for about the 50th time that day as he trudged in the front door.  The small balcony was slightly more peaceful than the inside of the house, but it was in direct contact with the rain.  Oh well, maybe, just _maybe things had settled down in there, Cloud hoped.  Desperately hoped.  For his own sanity._

Something smashed.  Uh oh...

Cloud raced through the house, past his other little quiet spot, Tifa's garden, leaving a watery trail that she was going to kill him for.  He'd completely forgotten he was drenched, but kept that thought for later as he entered the living room.

"What're you on about?  It's totally the guy's fault!" Cait Sith was bouncing on his moogle, yelling at the TV and Cid and Barret.  Tifa's favourite vase lay in pieces on the floor.

"She was sleeping with 3 &#%@ other guys!" Cid retorted angrily, poking the moogle in defiance.

"But he was gay, foo!" Barret chimed in.  He pounded the couch arm, denting it even further.

Cloud sighed as a furious argument began.  Hopefully they wouldn't take out weapons this time.  Usually Barret and Cid didn't actually aim for any furniture, but that was the third TV this month.  No, it was when Cait Sith took out his megaphone when people from near, and far away homes began to complain.  About the noise.  He took a peek at what they were watching so furiously.  Jerry Springer.  Cloud sighed.  He'd better tell Tifa about the vase... 

"Hey guys, can we keep it down?" he asked.  No response.  "Guys..._guys? GUYS!?"_

Cait whipped out his megaphone. "THE GUY IS GAY CID!  SO SHUT UP!"

Uh oh.  It's begun; Cloud made a hasty retreat, seeing Cid get out the Venus Gospel.  Running into the kitchen, where it was slightly sound proofed, he stopped. 'Damn, I can't even keep my own villa in order...'

"Hi Cloud." Tifa smiled, saving her best smile just for him. 

"Hey Cloud, you see what's happenin' on Jerry?" Yuffie added with a cheeky grin.  Cloud glared     good-naturally.  These two, as well as Vincent, were okay.  They didn't fight, or scream or break his villa.  Mostly.  'I _really should tell Tifa about her vase...'_

"What're you doing?" he asked.

"Checking out this makeup!" Yuffie exclaimed, holding up a tube of bright pink lipstick. "Want some?"

"Yeah, Cloudy, get in touch with your feminine side." Tifa paused. "No, wait, you've already done that..."

"Really?" Yuffie screeched. "Tell tell!"

Cloud groaned. "Where's Vincent?" At least that guy was quiet.

"I dunno. Try the cellar." Tifa shrugged.

"He's _sooo gloomy," Yuffie groaned. "I keep trying to cheer him up, but he always goes on about his 'demons' or something." She opened and closed the lipstick tube, eying Cloud evilly._

"Yeah, that's because he has demons, remember?" Tifa said, head tilted on one side. "I really feel sorry for him."

"GET YOUR FUCKING MICROPHONE OUTA MY FACE!!!!"

Tifa and Yuffie halted their conversation, looking at Cloud. "What's going on there?"

"WHAT'D YOU SAY OLD MAN??!?!?"

"That was Cait Sith." Yuffie said wisely.

A smash.

"That'd better not be my vase!" Tifa cried. "That's a family treasure!"

"Uh, speaking of that Tif..." Cloud muttered.

Seconds later...

"I'M GONNA _KILL YOU!!!!" Tifa stormed into the living room._

Cloud sighed.  Yuffie grinned. "How about trying some make up?"

At dinner that night, Cid, Barret and Cait Sith sat quietly, occasionally glancing at Tifa, then away.  Tifa was in a good mood again, cheerfully serving sausages.  Cloud sighed in relief, the pain killers were beginning to take effect.  Yuffie was pestering Vincent, who was quiet, as usual.

"Here Cloud, have some." Tifa beamed his way.  Cid edged his chair away from her.  Cloud took the plate.

Tifa smiled, not nastily, but to anyone with an imagination, it was the scariest thing they'd ever seen.  "Oh, you've run out Barret, let me cut some more." She took up her sharp, sharp carving knife.  Slice. Slice.  On the long, meaty object. Strong, downwards cutting movements.

Barret and Cid screamed and fled into the night.  Cloud scratched the back of his head blankly.  Vincent took another bite.

"Maybe they've got inner demons too." Yuffie shrugged with a small snigger.

"Maybe they don't." Vincent replied.  He didn't take it personally.

"What's on TV tonight?" Cloud asked.  Tifa set aside her carving knife and sat down. "I dunno.  But if it's Jerry Springer..." she glared at Cait, who cowered.

"How bout some monopoly?" he offered.

"No way!" Cloud protested.  "Not after what happened last time." Last time. Cloud shuddered.  Seven hours of it.  Non stop.  Cait Sith and Cid stealing Barret's money, Barret attacking the board, thinking it had it in for him.

"Besides, we haven't got a board anymore." Tifa pointed out.

"Poker?" Vincent suggested.  Of course, he'd rather just mope and dwell on his sins all night, but poker was....special.  And he had a killer poker-face that no one could equal.

"None of us can afford to play against you, Vincent." Cait grumbled. "You're too good."

Vincent shrugged. "True enough."

Cloud thought.  Moments passed in silence. Finally, "I think there's a football game on tonight."

"Yuffie!" Tifa turned to her friend, who had been silent all this time. "You normally have an opinion on what to do."

"Pity it's raining, so she can't go steal from someone on the street." Cait muttered.  Yuffie kicked him.

"I'm reading, actually." She said angrily. "And I think we should have an exorcism."

"WHAT?!" Tifa and Cloud exclaimed in shock.

Yuffie just shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, why not?  I mean, Vinnie here-"

"Don't call me that." Vincent interrupted.

"-Has plenty of demons for us to exorcise." She finished.

There was a small silence as everyone considered.

"Well, it does sound like fun..." Cait admitted.

Vincent had a rather hunted expression on his face. "You can't do that." He protested.

Tifa was disagreeing. "Well, you do need to lighten up a little..." she mused.

"But..."  
"Do you even know how to do that, Yuffie?" Cloud asked.  The idea scared him, but he had to admit, exorcising Vincent sounded like a good enough way to pass an evening.

Yuffie waved around the book she was reading. "Look, see?  'A beginners guide to excorsizing demons.'  It was in the pub, so I just picked it up."

Tifa and Cait exchanged interested glances.

"But..." Vincent sounded horrified. "Don't I get any say in this?"

"Geez Vinnie-"

"Don't call me that."

"-We're doing this for _you!"_

Tifa said, "Cait, can you find Barret and Cid?  I'm sure they'll want to see this."

Cloud was a little unsure about what the hell could happen, but let Cait's moogle bounce him in the hallway for a torch.

Tifa whispered something to Yuffie, and raced down into the basement.

"Where's she going?" Cloud asked her quietly. Vincent looked like he was about to make a break for it at any second. 

Yuffie hissed back, "Setting up downstairs."

"Ooohhh..." Cloud nodded.

Vincent stood. "I'm out of here."

Yuffie leapt up, blocking his path. "Stop him Cloud!"

Cloud sighed, grabbing his friend's clawed arm, saying to him as Yuffie dragged the poor guy into the basement, "Sorry man, but we've gotta have _something to do.  You understand, right?"_

"No." Vincent stated bluntly.

"Hey, did we miss the show?" Barret and Cid had arrived.

They all filed into the basement.  The food on the table was ignored.  The TV was still on.  Cloud and Barret strapped Vincent down to the table.  Tifa pulled away his giant red jacket. "Might effect the process." She explained.

Vincent looked at his friends like they were all crazy. "My demons... you can't just _let them out!" he sounded, almost, panicked._

"Don't see why not." Was the collective response.

Cait produced a video camera from somewhere. "This'll be a classic family moment." He sighed happily, pressing record. Vincent growled at him, flexing his claw angrily.

"That's good Vinnie-"

"Don't _call me that!"_

"Just let the anger build." Yuffie advised. "I think it'll make the process easier."

"Will it hurt him?" Tifa asked curiously.

Yuffie shrugged, still reading the book.

Cait zoomed in on Vincent's pale face. "So, Vincent, how dya feel about this?"

"What do you think?" Vincent grated. "I'm being _exorcised."_

"Isn't it _great!?" Yuffie seemed thrilled.  Cid, Barret and Cloud seemed to be there only for the entertainment, and the possibility of meeting one of these weird demons._

"Wait," Cid held up a finger. "Won't doin this screw up his limit break?"

"Shut up foo!" Barret yelled.

Tifa tapped her foot impatiently. "Come on, let's get this done with."

"Take it easy!" Yuffie retorted, shutting the book with a snap. "It's a delicate process.  If I make a mistake or something, he might lose his soul, or something."

"Yeh have a soul Vince?" Barret asked, looking down at their test subject.

"Apparently." Vincent grumbled. "Look, Yuffie, can't you just give this idea up?"

"No way!  I'm beginning to like the sound of, Yuffie, exorcist extrodinare!" she proclaimed with a flourish.

"C'mon brat, the football's startin." Cid grumbled.  Cait swooped the camera his way.

"Do you have any hidden demons Cid?" he asked excitedly. "If so, Yuffie will gladly rid of them for you!"  
"Hell no, #$&^ off!" Cid made a swipe at the camera, but Cait was already gone, hovering around Cloud.

"So Cloud," he began, but Cloud glared at him so fiercely that he gave up, focusing the camera on Vincent again. 

"Maybe ye should exorcise dat monopoly board." Barret muttered. "Cheat with me, foo..."

Everyone looked at him oddly.

"Barret, you destroyed the monopoly board, remember?" Tifa reminded gently. "So SHUT IT AND WATCH THE SHOW!"

"I'm not a performing animal." Vincent grumbled.  He was feeling particularly stressed today.  The basement, which was once a cluttered, almost friendly looking place, was now dark, sinister, and only lit by a cluster of Yuffie's candles.  'For the ambience.' She had claimed. Yeah, the ambience you can get when you use hello kitty love and friendship candles, anyways, Vincent thought.  But still, even the idea of his demons being apart from him was unnerving.  He was used to them being inside him, you could almost say he even _liked them there.  Almost, anyway._

Cid and Barret were getting bored.  Cloud kept sneezing.

"The hell's wrong with you, Spike?" Barret finally demanded. "You sick or something?"

"No," sneeze sneeze. "It's these damn *sneeze* candles. I must be *sneeze sneeze* allergic to them."

"Whatdya expect from Hello Kitty Love and Friendship candles anyway?" Cid snorted, leaning on his spear to stay standing up.  With one hand, he lit up a cigarette.

"Hey foo!  Dere's nothin wrong with them Hello Kitty candles." Barret said. "Marlene likes em."

"Where _is Marlene?" Cloud asked curiously.  Barret was obscured by Cid's smoke, so he didn't see his reply. _

"Get dis smoke outa my face foo!" Barret shrieked. "Smells!"

"_You smell old man!" Cid retorted. "So-"_

"SILENCE!" Yuffie boomed. Well, it was loud enough for everyone to shut up and look her way.

"I'm ready, kay?" she grinned evilly. "Say, you ready Vinnie?"

"DON'T FREAKIN CALL ME THAT!!!"

Yuffie sniggered. "I think he's all ready to go."  She opened her book, and began chanting some verses that it said.  

The room darkened, and a wind blew through the room, even though there were no windows.  Tifa shivered as the candles flickered violently, then settled.  There was a darkness in the centre of the room, above where Vincent was strapped down to the table.  It went around, around, and went down.  Came back up after that, and the wind vanished.  Into thin air, as it were.

Yuffie looked around expectantly. "Well?" she finally asked. "What happened?"

Tifa was slightly behind Cloud, who looked around a little nervously. Cid, Barret and Ciat Sith were surprised something actually happened, so they were silent.  Vincent was staring at the hello kitty candles.

"WELL?" Yuffie screeched. "I wanna see some exorcised demons already!" she stamped her foot in frustration.

"They summoned us...with Hello Kitty candles?" came an incredulous voice.  Everyone looked at the ceiling, as that was where the voice was coming from.

"It...worked?" Yuffie whispered.  She could see four figures.

Everyone did the math.  Four demons in Vincent.  Four demons in the air now.

"Uh, one, two..." Cloud counted on his fingers...

"I'd never've expected the brat to get something right." Cid muttered, still looking up in awe. Cait finally came to his senses, recording the demons. 

"AAHHH! THE PAPARAZZI!!!" Galian beast wailed, cowering behind Hellmasker. Death Gigas just glared at him. Chaos, by far the most intelligent of the four demons, flew down to perch on the end of Vincent's table.  The other humans were shocked into silent staring.  Vincent just stared at him impassively. "Well?"

"Damn, Vince, this is nice." Chaos grinned. Well, as much as hellbeasts can grin, or even smile. "I've gotta say, being free is quite...nice." he looked at Yuffie. "Thanks kid."

"Uh..." Yuffie stammered. "Uh...anytime..."

"Wa-wait." Cloud held up his hands in a 'time out' move. "Whoa, time out here.  You're Chaos, right?"

"He thinks!" Chaos replied. "Well done Cloud, no wonder you're the leader."

"How'd you know that?" Cid demanded.

Hellmasker landed on the ground, rolling his eyes, tapping his chainsaw against the ground. "Geez, what is _wrong with these people?"_

Death Gigas shrugged. "I got no idea." He made a little lightening bolt, flicking it from claw to claw.   
"Hey, foo!" Barret exclaimed. "What make you know all bout us!"

It took everyone a few moments to try and understand that logic. 

"Oh, I see." Chaos finally nodded his bestial head. "Barret, I'm sure someone can find you a good speech pathologist-"

"What was that foo?!" Barret demanded.

Vincent closed his eyes and sighed.  Tifa peeked out from behind Cloud's sword, asking, "How do you know about us?"

"Ohh, the one that's always going after Cloud," Hellmasker sneered at her.  Tifa blushed furiously.

"We know all about you peoples." Death Gigas said matter of factly, ignoring Galian beast, who was glaring at Cait Sith, or, more directly, his camera. "We just watch from Vince's eyes."

"_Please don't call me that." Vincent said in his long-suffering-voice.  The demons just shrugged at him._

"Do you know," Cait said from behind his camera.  His voice was awed. "How absolutely weird this is?"

"Can you _please turn off the camera?" Galian beast asked.  "I hate cameras."_

"Just tell me what it's like to be inside a human first!" Yuffie exclaimed.  Everyone looked at her.  "What?  Why'dya think I was reading that book in the first place?"

"Oh, I suppose that makes sense." Chaos shrugged. "Now, I'm sure it'd be nice if someone'd untie my dear friend here..."

Vincent glared at him. "Shut up."

"Heey, do you deal with that everyday Vince?" Cid asked. 

"Yes, and don't call me that."

"Hey," Tifa interrupted. "Does anyone want some tea?" Cid, of course agreed.  Barret and Cloud declined.  So Tifa and Yuffie hurried upstairs into the light.

"Well now...this is fine and dandy." Hellmasker remarked.  "Seeing all you pathetic humans in real life for the first time-"

"HEY!"

"Well, I suppose you aren't really human anyways..." he replied with a sneer to Barret, who was fuming. 

Cloud was untying Vincent, who was trying to imagine this whole thing was a dream.

"You didn't tell us." Cait Sith said from behind the camera. "About what it's like."

"Oh, yes." Chaos was still perched delicately on the edge of the table. "It's shit."

"Don't try it." Galian Beast recommended.  Death Gigas glared at him.

"You have no idea," it said. "How utterly _boring it is to be trapped inside. Only allowed out when Vince-"_

"It's VINCENT!!"

"-gets steamed."

Cloud and the others nodded agreement, even though most of this went over their heads.

Vincent regarded "his" demons. "What're you going to do now?"

They thought over it for a while. "Well, is there a chance we could stay here?" Galian offered. "I'm not going back inside Vince-"  
Vincent threw the book at him.

"Ow!"

"ShinRa's still operating, right?" Hellmasker asked curiously. 

Cloud noted Death Gigas and Chaos nodding.  "Why?" he asked nervously.

"It is, right?" Chaos mused. "Well, it's the second best thing to getting revenge on Hojo."

Vincent groaned.  

"You gonna blow up ShinRA, foo?" Barret demanded.

Death Gigas eyeballed the hulking man. "You figured that out all on your own?"

"Hey, shut up about it already!" Cid yelled.

The demons ignored him, Hellmasker using his chainsaw to good use in the wall, and the four of them flew out.

"Shit!  They're gonna go destroy ShinRa!" Cloud exclaimed, already taking out his PHS to call Reeve.

Vincent smirked. "Forget ShinRa.  Those demons'll destroy Midgar for 'kicks'."

"Ahh!!  They can't get my Midgar!!!" Wailed Barret, thundering up the stairs.

Cid shrugged. "So now what?" he asked Cloud sarcastically. "Go stop them?"

"Uh... I guess." Cloud sighed. "Man, all I wanted was a quiet night."

As Vincent walked past him up the stairs, Cloud could've sworn he heard him laughing.

"WHA? They've gone?" Yuffie wailed. "And they didn't even tell me..."

Tifa turned around with cups of steaming hot tea. "Yeah Cloud, where'd they go?"

Barret wailed as he sprinted past them.

"They've gone to destroy ShinRa!" Cait cried. "I've gotta go save Reeve!"

They pondered that. "But doesn't Re-"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Barret ran by again.

"Heh, I don't see why we should stop em." Cid smirked, leaning on his spear. "They destroyed my $&^#^$ rocket."

"SHUT UP CID!" Tifa threw a cup of tea at him.  The boiling liquid covered his face with the sound of burning skin.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cid screeched, running away. 

"Uh, Tifa..." Cloud scratched his head.

"Hey, so my exorcism worked!" Yuffie beamed. "I _knew I was a genius!  Hey, Vinnie-"_

"Tifa, can I have that other cup of tea?" Vincent said with a malicious little smile.

Yuffie cringed. "VinCENT, then... so, are you less gloomy now or what?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"$&%*# YOU TIFFAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

Cid and Barret ran past again.

Vincent pondered. "Yeah, I don't have demons, but now they're running around destroying the world." He shrugged. "But that would be _your fault, right?" He glared at her._

"...Um yes." Yuffie beamed. "But who cares?"

"Everyone in Midgar who is going to die perhaps?" Vincent replied archly.

"Too much angst..." Yuffie groaned.  Tifa nodded. "Who wants some more tea?" she held out the cup.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWBURRRRNNNNNNNS!!!!!!!!"

"Maybe we should go stop the demons first?" Cloud offered.  The others, the ones not running around like headless chickens, nodded.

"To the Highwind!" Cait cried.

"SHUT UP!" Tifa yelled for no apparent reason, throwing the other cup of tea at him.

"HAHA!!! IT CAN'T HURT ME!!!" Cait yelled through his microphone. "I AM INVINCIBLE!!! MWAHAHAAHHA...ha...guys?"

The house was empty. "Aw man!!"

"Doo, doo doo DOO doo..." Cid sang, trying not to move the left side of his face, which was covered in burns. "Doo doo doo doo-"

"SHUT THE ^&#% UP FOO!" Barret yelled from his place at the front of the Highwind. "We hear that EVERY time we go on da damned Highwind."

"That's because it's the damn THEME!" Cid yelled back, and went back to singing.

Cloud sighed.  Tifa was in her own little world, and he wasn't too keen on interrupting her, seeing what she did to Cid's face.

Midgar seemed suddenly so far away.  He could hear Yuffie's retching in the background, which made him want to throw up himself.

"Hey, hey!  You wanna know your future?!"

Cloud turned.  Cait Sith was bothering the pilots, again.

"We're busy right now." One responded, trying to be polite.

"Oh, come on!  It's free!  I'll make it a good one for you!"

"Not now."

"Come ON!"

"NO!"

The plane swerved.  

"WATCH WHAT YOU'RE #^$@#! DOING, JACKASS!"

"Cid, mind your blood pressure." Tifa reminded sternly.

"Yes m'am."

Cait Sith sulked and stomped into the pit.  Vincent began amusing himself by slicing up the moogle's soft covering with his claw.  Cait sulked on, oblivious.

Not a good sign, Cloud thought worriedly. Come one Midgar, please be still in one piece...

"Hey! It's Midgar!" Cid exclaimed, lighting a cigarette to celebrate. "Fly towards the ShinRa building."

The pilot (Lv16) "All right!  Whoo hoo!"

"Wrong game, foo." Barret reminded.

The Highwind sped over the outskirts of Midgar.  It all looked intact.  Then they got to the ShinRa building.

"Uh oh." Cloud said. "They destroyed the top of the building." He pointed out most observingly.

"Well, what's the good of a chainsaw if you don't put it to good use." Vincent replied, as they all stared at what was once the Helipad.

"Aw, I liked that helipad." Tifa sighed mournfully.

"Did you ever use it?" Yuffie asked, having ran upstairs while no one was looking.

"What does THAT have to do with anything?"

"Um, let's land here.  We can go up the elevator and kindly ask these demons to kindly stop destroying this fine building." Cloud proclaimed.

"That's worse than 'lets mosey'." Cid grumbled. "You do not live in a B-grade movie, so stop talking like that."

"Watch it Cid, or you'll be meeting my voodoo." Tifa warned.

"You don't own a-"

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

"Um, let's just land the plane guys!" Cait Sith interrupted.

The street was deserted.  The group ran into the empty building.

"It's not working hours, right?" Cloud asked.

"It's night time." Vincent reminded. "All the little workers go beddy byes."

"Hey!  Are you being sarcastic?" Cloud retorted.  He took a few bold steps into reception.  Everyone else headed up the stairs.

"It looks like everyone went home.  A pity." Tifa cracked her knuckles.  Everyone took a few paces away from her.

"First Floor: Clear!" Cloud reported, taking the lead again. 

"Stop talking *wheeze* like you're in the god-damn army *wheeze*." Barret wheezed, leaning on the wall for support.  The walls trembled.

"Barret, haven't you been using that treadmill Cait and me got you for Christmas?!" Yuffie exclaimed. "You are like, _so out of shape and FAT!"_

"I am NOT FAT!"

"Fatty Barret, fatty Barret..."

"AHHHH!!!"

"Heh heh... Ahem.  Cut it out, Yuffie." Cloud ordered, marching ever onward, cheacking for signs of chainsaw damage and/or hellfire.  Either or, actually.  But the first ten or so floors were devoid of life.

"Oooh!  Someone's growing some coffee mould!" Cait exclaimed in delight. "I _love coffee mould."_

They walked on, Cloud in front, the others trailing behind.

"Anyone noticed that there's nothing here?" Cid asked sarcastically. "I dunno why we don't just get on the $#^#$@ elevator."

"Are you questioning Cloud's orders?" Tifa asked, her voice deadly calm.

Cid swallowed. "No." He answered quickly.

"Good." She replied, catching up to Cloud.

Everyone else sighed in relief.

"Why is she acting like she has permanent PMS?" Vincent asked casually.

Jaws dropped.

"..."

"And the demons wouldn't just be _hanging around here, drinking tea." Vincent continued. "I'd say they're still demolishing the upper floors, looking for potential victims."_

"..."

"And don't say that.  That's my line." Vincent told them all.

"You don't seem to be using it much today." Yuffie quipped.

"Shut up, foo!" Barret suddenly wailed.

"What now, fatty?" Cid grumbled, absently rifling through a desk draw. "The monopoly board is _gone, remember__?"_

"I know that!" Barret hissed. "I hear....clickin'."

Sweatdrops all round.

"Maybe it's your brain, Barret." Cait sniggered.  Yuffie took his cup of coffee mould. "HEY!"

He began chasing the young ninja around the staff room.

Vincent sighed, and sat in a desk chair. "Morons..."

"I still hear clickin!" Barret yelled. "So LISTEN, foo!"

"Hey, where'd Cloud and the crazy chick gone?" Cid asked curiously.  Then his face brightened and he smirked. "Gettin on in the #$&% changerooms."

"That's down in the Honey Bee Inn." Vincent pointed out, now logging in on the ShinRa mainframe. "They couldn't have gotten there so quickly."

Barret got distressed that no one was listening to him, and began running in circles. "The clicking!  AHH!"

"Give back... my mould...damn you!" Cait wheezed.  Yuffie danced on ahead of him, waving the cup around.

"You're getting nearly as fat as Barret, moogle!" she retorted, avoiding a bench.  But doing so, she fell over the chair.  The cup went flying.

It went in slow motion for Cait Sith.  The cup went head over tail, over and over, heading for the open window...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Cait screamed, running for the cup.

It went straight out the window, and the moogle followed.  Yuffie grinned, and closed the window.

"There goes another character." She said, returning to bother Cid and Barret some more.  Then she paused. "Hey, does anyone hear clicking?"

"I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT....FOO!!!" Barret yelled at her.

She recoiled. "You're MEAN!"

The elevator doors opened.  The sound of clicking intensified.  Barret cringed, and ducked under the table.

The figures in blue stepped out.

"Oh, that's what the noise was." Cid shrugged, and went back to filing through the draws.

"AHH!  Turks!" Yuffie wailed. "Oh wait, we're in your building, right."

Reno sweatdropped. "Hey, whatta you doin here?"

"Nothing much." Vincent shrugged. "Just, you know, looking for my four hellbeasts."

"Those four hellbeasts are tearing up this building right now!" Elena screeched at him.

"Oh, really?" Vincent replied with a smirk. "Oops."

Then Cid realized that the four Turks were holding weapons, and looked bloodied and exhausted. "You weren't tryin to _fight them, were you?"_

They shrugged. "Don't see why not." They responded.

"Oh.  Well, that's what we were gonna do too." Yuffie said. "Except we could it better that you could."

"Just shut up little girl." Tseng said bluntly.

"Hey, just go and die again, Tseng." Cid retorted. "HEY!  You should be dead _now."_

"Ever heard of a Phoenix down?" Rude asked.

"Ohh...."

"Hey, there's something under the table." Reno bent to look. "AHHH!" he recoiled. "Barret."

"Um, has anyone seen Cloud and Tifa?" Yuffie asked casually.

"Actually, yeah!" Elena replied. "They were going to the changerooms."

"Heh heh..." Cid snickered. "Looks like we'll have to do without them."

TBC peoples! Well, if everyone says they hate it, maybe not… *oh the insecurity!!*

Later dudes!


	2. Climbing Stairs

Hey again, everyone!  I haven't updated for ages, so I hope you enjoy.  R&R too, by the way!!

Disclaimers: Not mine… the demon's personalities are *technically* mine, though…

Rated PG for swearing. Duh!

"But we can't go without them!!" Yuffie wailed.

"Yeah, foo!" Barret added from his vantage spot under the table. "Cloud our leader!"

Cid, Vincent and the Turks all shrugged. "So?"  Barret's loyalty wasn't even amusing anymore.

Reno glanced around the room. "Hey, where's Reeve's little cat-thingy?"

Everyone looked around.  Most of them hadn't even noticed that the small and incredibly annoying moogle and cat weren't there.

"Where's Reeve?" Tseng asked curiously.

"Oh, I threw him out the window!" Yuffie told Reno.

"You WHAT!?" Tseng screamed, beginning to hyperventilate.

Elena patted Tseng's arm. "Not Reeve, idiot- er, Sir." Tseng stopped hyperventilating with a sigh.

"Say," Cid drawled. "Are we gonna kill off these things or what?"

There was a moments silence.

"No." Rude said.

"Yeah!  After all, they're _your demons, __you take care of them!" Reno added smugly. He strode over and sat in a chair in defiance. "I ain't going anywhere!"_

"Oh well," Vincent said with a shrug. "Chaos likes human flesh to eat."

"Wh-what?"

"Vinnie!" Yuffie scolded. "That's a terrible thing to say!"

"Don't call him that." Cid said, lighting up a cigarette. "We're gonna find Cloud and Tifa, _whatever they're doin', and go stop those demons." He looked at the Turks, who had tuned out from the impromptu speech. "You can do whatever you want, just stay outa our way."_

"Oh.  I'm terrified." Tseng deadpanned.

"Hey, you gotta problem with me!?" Cid yelled, holding up his fists. He'd never liked the Turks, so this was the perfect opportunity to knock 'em down good. "You with me Barret?"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Barret banged his head on the top of the table on his way to the surface. "Yo' doin' down, FOO!"

Rude yawned.

Although the sight of two fighting men, who had already kicked their asses a few times before, the Turks were generally unamused.

"Okay then, I go to the left and you go-"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Barret yelled his usual war-cry, charging.  Cid just groaned.

Vincent made his way to the coffee machine, hearing his 'friends' fight the Turks, but paying no attention.

***

Yuffie, meanwhile, had gone to find Tifa and Cloud, no doubt to pester them as she always did.  She reached the changerooms, but stopped and wrinkled her nose at the weird smells emaciating from inside.

"Do I really wanna go in here?" she asked herself, and, pondering for a moment, reached into her black-hole-to-infinitytm , where all the heroes kept all their junk and materia, and brought out a camera.  With a patented evil grin, she entered the changeroom, camera held ready... 

"OMNISLASH!!!!"

"Oh shit Cloud, what'd ya do _that for?" Yuffie gurgled as she collapsed and died._

Cloud tied his pants back on, and looked out to see who he'd cut to pieces. "Oh.  Oops."

"Cloud, what happened?" Tifa asked, turning the cold water off.  She came into the tiled bathroom. "Great, you killed Yuffie!"

Cloud wasn't sure if Tifa was being sarcastic, and scratched his head. "I didn't mean it."

Tifa's eyes opened wider all of a sudden. "That's evidence!" she gasped. "We have to hide it away somewhere!"  Thinking ahead in a situation like this was one of the better parts of Tifa's personality... (That wasn't _anatomy, by the way)._

"Oh. Um..." Cloud thought, with his trademark shrug.

While Cloud thought, Tifa dragged Yuffie's blood soaked body into an empty cubicle. "There.  I'm sure if I put the 'occupied' sign on, people will respect that." She went back over to Cloud. "It's okay, you don't have to think anymore."

Cloud grinned. "Great!  Oh, my shoelace is untied." He bent over to tie it up.  He then saw the pool of dark red blood staining the tiles. "Ah.  Tifa, come and look at this."

"Hmm, we'll have to hide that too." Tifa mused, glancing around for a sponge.  Seeing none, she advanced on Cloud.

***

The room was almost destroyed.  Other than the coffee machine and a single couch, bullet holes, and various fire burns left their remains.  Cid, Barret and the Turks had gotten bored of their little fight, and, now, fully cured, were clustering around the coffee machine.

"Say," Reno said. "I wonder what those demons are up to."

"Probably killing all the staff." Vincent replied.

"Oh.  Okay." Reno nodded, lazing back on the couch.

"I wonder if Reeve's up there..." Elena mused.  Tseng began to look apprehensive again.

Barret was drinking his fifth or sixth cup of coffee.   Boredom really hits some people hard, and Barret was one of these people.  Still, a caffeine high is entertaining enough... "Man, I really wanna play truth or dare.  Any of you heard of dat game?" he asked the group excitedly.

"Go away old man." Cid grumbled.

"I HATE YOU!" Barret sniffed, and ran away.

"What just happened?" Vincent asked.

"Oh, nothing." Cid replied casually.

"Hi guys!" Tifa beamed, her and Cloud just entering the room. "Hey, this place is a mess!"

"Have you found Vincent's demons yet?" Cloud asked, going back into hero mode.

"Nope." Cid replied. "But it's not like we've looked."

"That's _terrible!" Tifa's eye began to twitch. "While we were busy-"_

Everyone finally noticed Cloud; or, more specifically, his new red hair.

"Hey Spike, that's the colour of _my hair!" Reno yelled, leaping to his feet._

"OH, it's not permanent." Cloud ran his hand through his spikes, glanced at his hand, and hurried wiped the 'excess red dye' on his pants. "It's...."

"Cute, isn't it!" Tifa finished. "So, hey, let's go kill some demon!"

Reno slouched on the couch again. "Spike wants to be like me so much he's even taking my hair colour," he complained to Rude, who nodded from behind his shades.

"He makes it look better than you, Reno." Elena giggled, but faced the wrath of a jealous Tifa.

"ARE YOU MAKING MOVES ON MY CLOUD?!" she demanded furiously. "DIE BITCH!  FINAL HEAVEN!!"

Explosions abound.  Suffice to say, Elena was very much dead before she hit the ground.

"Oh, well done." Tseng scowled. "Does anyone have a phoenix down?"

Everyone, other than Tifa, who was still sulking, checked in their hole-to-infinitytm  pockets. 

"Nope."

"Shit, Tifa, you sure are a bitch after you have sex-" Cid began, but stopped as Tifa tightened her grip around his neck. "Urg-nev-er-mind..."

"You want a cup of tea Tifa?" Vincent inquired with a smirk.

Cid looked terrified. "$*- #@..."

The three remaining Turks looked on with a sort of morbid curiosity. 

"Is she always like that?" Rude asked Cloud.

Cloud nodded. "I dunno.  She's always nice to me..."

"I wonder why?" Reno sniggered, and cringed when Tifa turned her head his way. "Uh, hey, where's that fat man gotten to?"

"Palmer?" Cloud scratched his head. "I thought-"

"No.  The guy on your team." Reno rolled his eyes. 

"Barret."

Tifa released Cid, who fell to the ground, gasping for air. "I dunno Reno.  Did you make him angry?"

"Yeah!" Cloud exclaimed, confused. "Where _is Barret?"_

"Where's Yuffie?" Vincent asked.

"Where's Cait Sith?" Cloud asked.

"Where's Red XIII?" Cid asked.  Well gasped, rather.

"Can't you keep track of your own team?" Tseng asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Shut up, or I'll kill you..." Tifa hissed, and then turned a sunny smile to the others. "Don't worry about Yuffie, she can take care of herself.  The others can too."

"I don't think that cat-dog-thing's been around for a while now..." Cid mused, chewing idly on his cigarette.

"We ran out of food one day." Vincent said. "You and Barret got the munchies."

Reno burst out laughing. "You ate Red?" He exclaimed. "That's like...me eating _Rude or something!"_

Tifa and Cloud thought back.  Cid stopped chewing on his cigarette, and began turning a slight green colour.

Rude looked warily at his friend. "Don't get any ideas." He said flatly.

"I sure don't remember that." Cloud said faintly. "I'm sure I would remember eating Red.  Right?"

"Cait Sith thought it would be funny if he didn't tell you." Vincent continued. "It's Reeve's warped sense of humour."

"DON'T PAY OUT REEVE!" Tseng yelled.

Tifa and Cloud looked at him in confusion. "Turks..." Cloud shrugged.

The three Turks glared at them.

"Hey, shouldn't we be fighting them demons?" Cid interjected.

They all nodded, after pondering it for a moment or two.

"Geez, I still can't believe you ate your mutt-pal," Reno was still sniggering to himself.  The group was heading up the stairs, the remaining AVALANCHE members keeping a look out for Yuffie and Barret. Well, Tifa and Cloud weren't really looking for Yuffie, but they acted like they were.

"Can you shut the %&^ up about that." Cid muttered, feeling the teeniest bit guilty over that issue.

"And you think we've got problems," Reno continued with an evil grin. "You ATE one of your team!  That's just the-"

"$*^&^$*^&!!!!!" Cid snapped, and grabbed the skinny Turks, hurling him back the way they came.

"AHHHHHH!" Reno wailed, arms flailing desperately for a hand hold as he flew through the air. His landing spot wasn't the hard staircase, however.

"FOO!"

He'd crashed into Barret, who'd been going in that direction as well.  The momentum caused both of them to continue in direction Reno was previously going in.

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

*Thud*

The remaining team watched the pair vanish from sight.  Rude's expression darkened behind his shades, and he advanced on Cid.  Cid took a step back.

"Great, now you got Rude mad." Tseng rolled his eyes, and watched impassively as Rude picked up Cid, and threw him over the staircase.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........."

The little spiralling spec that was Cid hit the ground with a *splat*.  Rude hadn't changed expressions once.  Cloud and Tifa, on the other hand, looked horrified.

"You killed Cid!"  Tifa gasped.

"You..." Cloud began, but  couldn't think of a proper insult to hurl at the tall Turk. "..."

"Like you wouldn't have done that eventually." Vincent said with a shrug. "Now, can we keep going?"

They walked on, leaving their comrades dead or severely injured along the way.  There were 5 left.

"I think we're getting closer," Tseng said. "Can you hear that noise upstairs?" 

They listened.  And, sure enough, there were sounds of crashing and screaming from above them.  They quickened the pace slightly.

"How can you hear so good?" Tifa asked curiously, having  realised that she could barely hear any sounds at all, and wouldn't have noticed them at all if Tseng  hadn't spoken of them.

"You get used to that sound, working here." He replied simply.

"Oh..." Tifa frowned. "That's awful sad."

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

They walked on.  Uncomfortable in the uneasy silence, Cloud began humming quietly to himself.  But soon, he could barely hear himself over the crashes from above them. 

They finally reached the right floor, level 66.  The place had been reduced to piles of smouldering rubble, pieces of furniture, and smoking walls.

Cloud sighed in relief. "Finally!"  he stopped and looked at his companions. "Now what?" he asked.

The strange, but unsurprising thing was, that no one had actually thought of a suitable way to get rid of four helldemons, which happened to be close personal acquaintances with Vincent.  

Sure, going up the stairs was easy, with the exception they left most of their team dead behind them, but now what?

"Cloud, go in there and kill them." Tseng said.

"..." Rude supported his boss with his usual eloquence.

"No! They're Vincent's demons!" Tifa retorted, looking shocked and appalled at the direct approach. "We can negotiate... something."

"Like what?" Tseng sneered, and took on a high-pitched female voice. "'Oh please great but insane demons, _please let us have our building!  Let's be _good_ friends!  You can come over to tea next Friday, and we can have cake!'"_

Tifa's eye began to twitch again.  Cloud, recognizing a prelude to extreme violence on her part, backed away a few steps.

Vincent ignored all of them, and went to find his demons.

***

They'd been having a pretty nice time.  But, as the four had found out when they arrived, smashing through the 70th floor windows, the place was pretty much abandoned.

"Typical!" Hellmasker had snorted, and they had trashed the place.  In defiance, of course.

But, it got boring after a while, so they decided to just take a level, and wait for Vincent to find them.  Which he would, they knew.  But while they waited, they'd found all sorts of strange things...

Which is how Vincent found them.

"Hey."

"Hey, Vince, my main man!" Chaos greeted with a grin.  Well, a hell-beast version of a grin. 

"We've been waiting for you."

"Waiting all day..." Hellmasker added. "This place sucks ass anyways."

Vincent really couldn't find an appropriate thing to say, so he just looked at them.

"Yeah, we should've come on a Monday," Death Gigas pondered. "Places like these are _always busy on Mondays."_

"And how would you know that?" Chaos asked. "It's not like any of us have _seen an office on a Monday morning,"_

"Or any other day!" Galien chipped in.

"Waste of time..." Hellmasker grumbled.

"...Are you done?" Vincent finally spoke.

The beasts looked at their human.  

"What the fuck are we going to do about this?" Chaos finally demanded.  His wings expanded outwards, and he flapped them freely. "Are you just going to let us go, or what?"

"..."

Hellmasker groaned loudly. "Yeah, that's great, Vince," he complained. "Leave all the thinking to us, as usual."

Vincent rolled his eyes.  Gingerly, he sat on a chair with all four legs.  The _only chair in the room with all four legs intact. "I can't help you.  Do what you wish."_

"You're gonna be different without us," Death Gigas warned.

"No limit break?  Yes, I know." Vincent replied.  That was okay, there wasn't much fighting these days...

"We're practically part of your personality," Gigas continued, sparks beginning to fly, showing the beast's internal struggle.

"What are we gonna do, now you've kicked us out?" Galien, who had been silent until now, put in his two cents.

"Just leave large towns alone," Vincent advised. "Unless... you want to go back... inside?"

The four paused in thought.

"No," Chaos finally said. "I think we'll manage on our own."

As if coming to an unseen agreement, the four beasts leapt down from their various positions in the room.

"We'll come visit some time!" Hellmasker called sarcastically, the beasts tearing holes in the steel walls, and diving out.  Their wings spread out, and they soared in unison across the setting sun, until they slowly faded from sight.

It was so pathetically touching, Vincent felt like vomiting.  

But, he didn't.  Instead, he found the others still arguing about the plan.

"They've gone," he said.

They turned to him in surprise.

"Did you kill them?" Tifa asked suspiciously.

"No."

"..."

"Shut up, Rude."

***

They gathered up their dead team mates, Tifa carefully checking the halls before taking Yuffie's body from the bathroom.

Tseng watched impassively as they went.  Then he went to look for Reeve.

"Well, hey, that was pretty fucked up!" Cid exclaimed brightly when they resurrected him.

It was a sombre trip back to Costa De Sol.  When they arrived, Yuffie chucked the book in the garbage, and Tifa made some tea.

The TV went on, and Cid and Barret immediately began to argue over the channels.

Cloud gave a musing sigh.  He was glad everything was back to normal, relatively.  Vincent was missing his limit beasts, and Cid would avoid cups of tea for at least a month, but other than that...

Something Tseng had said earlier had pressed on the top of his head.  He'd been brought back to life, right?  Well, why can't that be done for someone else?  He wanted to see Aeris, so couldn't he just bring her back to life?

It sounded like a plan.

"Okay guys, listen up!" he stood suddenly in the living room.

Cait Sith, Yuffie and Cid immediately turned their ears towards the ceiling.

"Oh ha ha," Cloud said sarcastically in response. "Anyways, I think it's time for a holiday."

"But Cloud, Costa De Sol is a holiday resort," Vincent pointed out.

"That's true..." Cloud trailed off for a moment while he thought. "Just think of it as a holiday from a holiday."

"

Where should we go, Cloud?" Tifa asked, steaming cups of tea in both hands.  She had a broad smile. "I heard Icicle In-"

"Wutai's a cheap tourist joint," Cait Sith sniggered.  Yuffie's eyes bugged out of her head.

"IT IS NOT!!!"

While Cait Sith and Yuffie began a furious discussion on the faults of Wutai, Cloud said, 

"We're going fishing in Mideel."

There was a moments silence, broken by the sounds of fists hitting moogle.

"Mideel?!" Tifa echoed. "Like where the lifestream is?"

"I ain't seen no &^^*$# fish down there," Cid snorted smoke. 

"Jes plenty o' dead people." Barret added.

"Like AERIS!" Tifa finished.  Then she turned accusingly at Cloud. "Why didn't you just say that?" she demanded angrily.

Cid looked uneasily at the steaming fluid sitting precariously in those spillable teacups. "%&^, get that %#$& away from me," he muttered.

"There's plenty of other people we can resurrect at the same time..." Cloud said.

"Oh yeah?" Tifa jutted her jaw out aggressively. "Like who?"

"Like...." Cloud thought for what seemed like an awfully long time. "Like Johnny!  I bet you sure miss that guy!"

"Johnny's not dead." Tifa said flatly.

"Jesus Tifa, you're soundin' like you don't want Aeris around," Cid commented, and 

instinctively held his hands out in surrender.  

He had a good point though.

"Of COURSE I want to see Aeris, she's my friend!"

Cloud relaxed. "Okay, let's go!"

As usual, it was easier said than done.  Cait and Yuffie were at all out war on the sofa, it took Vincent and Barret to pry Yuffie's hands off Cait's throat.  Then Tifa decided she would pack a lunch for everyone.  Meat or salad?  With Barret's chronic indecision syndrome, he couldn't make up his mind.  Then Cid ran out of cigarettes.  Cloud wasn't game to ask him to fly, or even breathe without them for a change.

When they finally got started, the Highwind finally getting off the ground, Cait threw Yuffie's shoe overboard.

***

Mideel was a relatively quiet town.  Well, until AVALANCHE turned up.  As soon as the Highwind landed, Barret was striding around swearing, "I don't see no damn fish!"

Yuffie and Cait Sith were still fighting about Wutai's tourism problem, and Cloud was almost falling over from the amount of Phoenix Downs he was carrying.

"I hope you didn't pay for those," Tifa remarked, as they made their way to the pulsing lifestream.

"I wonder why no one fixed this place up," Vincent commented.

"Who's gonna %&#$^ pay for it?"

Cloud leaned over the side of the cliff, carefully dropped a Phoenix Down into the lifestream. 

"How will the lifestream know that it's Aeris we're after?"

Barret was having a quiet snooze under a tree, Cid having a smoke beside him.  At least some people were enjoying themselves.  On the other hand, Cloud was growing increasingly frustrated.

"Nothing's happening!" He yelled at nothing in particular.

Tifa didn't look too disappointed. "Try another one," she suggested.

Cloud threw the next one it. "Aeris Gainsborough!" he yelled into the bright green murk.

"Wutai is ugly!" Cait Sith was singing, dancing around on  his moogle. "Ugly like you!"

Yuffie launched herself at the annoying little toy. "You little &^%&%"

"You look like a gerbil!" Cait added, laughing hysterically while trying to avoid Yuffie's clawed fingers.

Vincent snorted.

Yuffie whirled to yell at him too. "SHUT UP!" She hit Cait upside the head. "YEAH!  You're 

just a dumb stuffed animal!  Nyuk nyuk-"

Cait Sith winced. "Ouch." At the continuous noise of Yuffie's nasal laughed, he whipped out his megaphone and boomed, "WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!" Directly in her face. 

The gust of air caught her off guard, and she toppled into Cloud, before flopping onto the ground. 

Cloud was knocked to the side, sending hundreds of Phoenix Downs floating into the air.... where they drifted down into the lifestream.

"Great.  Now look what you've &#$@ Done," Cid remarked.

Tifa ignored the pandemonium around her, and looked into the lifestream.  'What a pity,' she thought with a grin. 'Nothing happened.'

She patted Cloud on the arm, with the sincerity of a dog about to steal your lunch. "Sorry Cloud.  It didn't work."

A slow, uneasy silence settled on the group.  

Cloud looked down for a moment.  Then, with a touch of sadness in his mako eyes, he said, "Let's go home."

"HEY!  How 'bout that lunch, foo!" Barret protested. "I hungry!"

"Eat on the plane, you fat pig." Cait Sith poked him as he hopped past.

Barret's face darkened and he charged after the very disagreeable robot. "Why you-"

Cloud cast a single look over the lifestream, before walking with Tifa back onto the Highwind, which took off, leaving an empty space behind.

Minutes later, the lifestream began to bubble and churn....

  
  


That's not the end guys, can you tell?  Heehee, I'll *try* to write some more, but then again... ^_^*.

Leave a review as ya go, more reviews, the more Yumiko writes... 

Serious! Bye now!


	3. That damn dream

Hey again!  I *told* ya that this'd come out soon. So it wasn't _really_ soon, but eh.

Watch for Aeris bashing, but don't worry, there's plenty of Tifa-bashin, and Cloud-bashing and like everyone-bashing... 

Speech is "...", character thoughts (other than Cloud) '...'

Alright?  Thanks for all the nice reviews, they made me happy… ^_^ 

To Kebinu: Yes… there will be random dead people running around soon enough… *evil laugh*

Talous: Yep, Seph's gonna be turning up pretty soon… and thanks for adding me to your faves! You're tops!

Mike Danko: I personally don't think Barret's like Mr T at all.  Mr T is just plain weird, and Barret well… he's not so bad.  But half the people out there are like "Mr T and Barret are exactly the same!" So I just write him like that, proving all those people out there WRONG! Well, not really, I'm just bringing the worst out in all the characters…

Don't forget to keep reviewing!

Disclaimer: Same as always...

Rating: PG for swearing.

Cloud rubbed his eyes vigorously as he woke.  The sun was shining in from his window right into his face.  Grumbling softly, he rolled out of bed, and headed towards the mirror.  

'Ugh, sleep hair.'

He grabbed his collection of hair gels, and set to putting his blond spikes back in place.  Finally satisfied, he left his room and padded down the stairs to the kitchen.  The house was silent, so he guessed that no one was up.  _Thank God for small miracles._

***

_It's been a nice quiet week, Cloud thought to himself with a smile as he made coffee. __Cait-Sith's gone back to Midgar, thank god.  Aeris is staying for a few weeks, since her 'life-after-death' thing is on again.  It's kinda weird that after all those Phoenix Downs were dropped into the lifestream, only Aeris turned up... I guess that's a good thing… _

The day Aeris had arrived sure was strange.  It had been weeks since the trip to Mideel, and Cloud had given up hope.  And then, there she was, standing on their doorstep, armed with a bright smile.  She hadn't spoken much about the whole 'life-after-death' thing, just that she'd go back there in a few weeks.

_Visits are nice though.  It's so nice to see her and Tifa getting along so well… but damn did I have a weird dream last night, I just can't remember exactly what happened..._

Cloud was so engrossed with his thoughts that he didn't notice Vincent sitting quietly at the table, reading the 'Daily Costa'.

"Good morning Cloud."

Cloud jumped, and almost spilt his coffee. "Shit!  Oh, Vincent, you gotta stop doing that so early."

"It was not my intention to alarm you." Vincent replied calmly, disappearing back beneath the pages.

Tifa emerged from the staircase, wearing a blue robe and her hair out. "Morning guys!" she smiled, and began taking eggs out from the fridge. "How do you like your eggs?"

"Boiled, thanks." Cloud nodded absently even though she asked the same question every morning.  He was still thinking about that weird dream.

Aeris appeared next, wearing pink pajamas. "Hi guys!  I had the coolest dream last night!"  and proceeded to tell Tifa.

"How was your sleep Cloud?" Aeris asked after, taking the seat next to him.

Cloud shrugged. "Okay."

"Yeah, sometimes it's kinda cold at night..."

Cloud heard soft swearing from beside him. "Hey, is Cid up yet?" he asked, glancing around curiously.  Aeris giggled, slapping his arm coyly. "Don't be silly Cloud!  Cid won't get up until the eggs are ready.  Right Tif?"

Tifa turned around holding a plate of cooked eggs. "They're ready right now Aeris.  You want one?"

While the four were eating, Barret and Yuffie emerged, half-asleep, and almost collapsed into their chairs.  The grabbed plates and eggs wiothout looking up.  Tifa looked at them briefly, then turned back to her own plate.

Aeris continued talking to Cloud. "So, I thought that I'd go shopping today.  Do you wanna come?  I know you have really good taste, so I thought..."

'God, she starts early in the morning.  It starts as soon as she wakes up, I swear.'

Cloud looked up in surprise.  No one but Aeris was even paying attention.  _Who said that?  Tifa?_

No, she wasn't looking up, but he still heard the quiet cursing, from in that direction, strangely enough…

'Man, I wish she could just shut up a little.  You think Yuffie goes on a little but then you see her, and just wanna get some gaffer tape and tie her up somewhere very, VERY far away from here...'

Cloud looked up again, startled.  What the hell...?

"Hey, can I've some more orange juice Tif?" Barret asked.

"Sure, no sweat." Tifa replied.

'Get it yourself, selfish bastard.' She added.

Cloud looked at her suspiciously.  _Did she really say that?  Nah… I'm just imagining things…_

Tifa made no inclination that she'd said anything.  She just smiled pleasantly in his direction before turning to the refrigerator.

Cid plonked down in the last remaining stool. "Damn, I am fuckin tired."

"Well go back to sleep." Yuffie retorted smartly. 

'Well, duh, you old moron!'

"Shut up, brat." Cid replied, for lack of a better comeback.

'She's got a point.  Strange enough that Yuffie actually thought something up...'

Cloud heard more quiet voices.  To his astonishment, the first little quiet voice was Vincent's.  _But he isn't saying anything!_

'If you want to whine about not getting any sleep, can you at least do it elsewhere, so no one can hear you?'

"Good point Vince." Cloud agreed.

Everyone looked at him.

"Did I speak, Cloud?" Vincent asked.

"Didn't you say something...?"

Tifa immediately felt his forehead, looking in his eyes worriedly. "Are you feeling alright?  You haven't got a temperature…"

"No...no, I'm fine." Cloud massaged his temples, as everyone turned back to their meals. _Something is going on.  I can...hear people's thoughts!  This is so weird…_

He could still hear Vincent talking on inside his head.  _For as much as he doesn't speak, he sure thinks a lot._

He looked at Tifa.  She was smiling, looking out the window. 'Fuck!  If it rains today, I can't go out to the shop!  And that means everyone'll be bitchin' at me, again!  Can't they see it's not my fault!  God, they're all so stupid...'

Aeris was speaking quietly to Yuffie about her shopping trip.  '........'

_Aeris doesn't think at all... that's weird._

'...and god does Barret smell worse than usual this morning!' Vincent continued. 'It's no wonder his little kid, who isn't actually his kid, has escaped to that school somewhere.  That man-thing should really find the word _deoderant, or at least have a shower...'_

Cloud coughed suddenly, covering a laugh.  Aeris immediately glomped him.

"Are you okay?  You're not sick, right?" she asked nervously.

'Get off him you hormone infested woman!'

'He's mine, ugly bitch!'

'Ewwww!  Poor Cloud!'

'Poor guy.  I'm sure he could just go out and get a restraining order, maybe a dog collar...'

Cloud listened in shock to the silent reactions occurring around him.  His friends; their facial expressions hadn't even changed.  He gently pried Aeris off him. "Aeris, stop it.  I need to breathe,"

Aeris recoiled. "What?"  '...wha?'

Everyone just looked at Cloud in surprise, then turned back to their meals.  Aeris smiled as if nothing had happened.

"Hey!  I'm gonna make omelets tomorrow!" Yuffie exclaimed. "Whatcha think guys!??"

"Can you make them?" Tifa asked. 'Better keep a fire extinguisher at hand....'

"Like, duh!" 'She doubted me!  Oh well... I wonder if they're all impressed?'

Cloud looked back to Vincent, who had buried himself under the paper again. 'Holy shit!  This chick's a complete fashion disaster!  And her boyfriend's dumber than Cid!  What is going on here....'

"I don't know Vincent, I got no idea..." Cloud muttered.  Standing suddenly, he hurried out.

Everyone watched him go. 

"What happened to him?" Cid asked. "An' why did he think you were talkin all the time Vince?"

Vincent shrugged behind the paper. "Was I?"

"Hell no!" Barret replied gruffly. "You were jus ' hiding behind that paper o' yours, as usual."

"Give him a break, Barret." Tifa said.

"Still, back to the topic...what's with Spike today?" Cid muttered. "Fuckin' crazy."

"That's really weird..." Yuffie smirked. "Maybe you two going after him is driving him insane!"

Tifa glared at her, while Aeris looked genuinely worried. "Oh noo!"

***

Cloud paced around his room.  It was easier to avoid his friends than to listen to their thoughts.  _Maybe I am__ going crazy.  I probably just ate something bad, and now I'm hallucinating._

Even in his mind, that sounded ridiculous.  But still, he couldn't explain it.  How do you explain that you're suddenly telepathic?

Hearing shouts from downstairs, Cloud braced himself, and went to check it out.

***

"The Turks!" Tifa exclaimed, peeking through the curtains. "What are they doing here?"

Yuffie bounded over to join her. "Wha?" she looked as well.  Indeed, the four Turks were coming up the large driveway. "Eeek!  Get Cloud!"

Cloud came rushing down the stairs. "Turks?  What are _they doing here?" and pretended he didn't hear Tifa and Aeris's excited exclamations as soon as they saw him._

"They're almost at the door." Vincent said from the couch. "Why don't you ask them?"

'Well, that would be the most obvious thing to do.  Geez Cloud, you're not acting like much of a leader today, hmm?  And why the hell is he replying to my thoughts...?'

"I dunno Vince." Cloud replied absently, as he opened the front door.

"Yo, 'sup Avalanche." Reno greeted, as the four Turks let themselves in.

"What're you doing here?" Cloud asked.  He was going to stay calm, there was no need to get into an argument... He didn't have any Phoenix Downs left.

"Wait.... aren't you dead, Tseng?" Aeris asked.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead too?" Elena asked, and only Cloud heard the silent 'Fucking stupid little brat.  I dunno why that idiot Tseng used to like her.'

"Yeah, well..." Aeris scratched the back of her head. '... I'll have to get going soon ...'

Cloud ignored Vincent's constant mind-chatter, and moved to block the Turks from entering too far into their house.  _Thank God Cid and Barret are outside with the Highwind, or else we'd have trouble..._

"You can't just come into our house." He protested.

"Technically, this house belongs to Shinra.  You didn't pay the full price of the villa.  We have the deeds to prove it." Tseng said calmly.  'Mwahaha!  Eat that, you blond freak you!'

'Shit!  I forgot about that!  I guess we should kill them now, while they're unprepared...hmm, there's sure to be some torture equipment in the basement somewhere...' Tifa said in her mind, smiling.  It looked like a friendly polite smile, but Cloud saw the malicious undertones and almost shuddered.

'Hey, we can make them pay in materia!' Cloud didn't want to go anywhere near Yuffie's thoughts.  And Vincent was still thinking up a storm, as usual.

'I wonder if they're getting worried about me yet?' Cloud didn't understand whatever Aeris was thinking.

Cloud looked at them oddly, then shrugged. "So what do you want here?"

"There's a few terrorists hiding in the mountains near the town.  We're going to flush them out." Tseng replied plainly.

'And kill them!  Every last one of them!  Mwahahaha!  Dead, I tell you!  Dead!!' Rude added silently. 

'And I'll have to stay as backup of course.  Stupid egotistical males.  No, the rookie female can't do anything, she might get hurt...' Elena grumbled silently.

Cloud turned curiously to Reno.  What would he be thinking?

'Damn, I'm tired.'

"Damn, I'm tired Sir." Reno said.

Tseng shrugged. "We're staying here overnight, then." The four Turks brushed past the AVALANCHE members, and into the hall.

'Yeah, that's reaaal clever Tseng.' Elena thought sarcastically. 'And what about these AVALANCHE idiots?  They're just gonna let us waltz in...NOT.'

"Are there any rooms?" she said.

"God Elena, don't be so stupid." Reno sneered. "Of course they got rooms.  Right?"

Cloud looked at Tifa, who shrugged.

'Heh heh...the torture chamber...' Tifa thought.

Cloud nodded quickly. "We'll find you some, whatever."

Vincent just looked at them apathetically. 'What the hell?  Since when do we deal with those Turks?  It's not like they can even do a job right...'

"I know Vince, don't worry." Cloud escorted the Turks up the stairs. "We don't want any trouble from you, or else."

Tseng gave him a slightly amused glance. "I don't really care what you think."

'Wait a sec.' Reno's mind screamed. 'Cloud's talkin to Vampire-dude, and he didn't even say anything!'

"Hey!  Cloud's talkin to Vampire-dude, and he didn't even say anything!"

"Shut up Reno." Tifa snapped.

'He's gotta point, but.' Yuffie mused to herself. 'I think it's Tifa and Aeris going after him, it's cracked him up.'

Cloud glared at Yuffie, and continued up the stairs.

"Hey, no one answered my question!" Reno complained. "Cloud, you lost it or what?"

"Who cares, Reno?" Elena grumbled. 'Sheesh!  I'd shoot him if Tseng wasn't here...damn...'

From below the stairs, Yuffie, Tifa and Aeris watched the "guests" enter the spare rooms.

"I wonder if Elena and Tseng are _sharing a room!" Yuffie sighed dramatically. "That's so __cute!"_

Cloud tried not to gag.

Tifa and Aeris sighed in the same way. "Yeah..." and then both glared at each other.

Vincent looked at each of them blankly. "I'm going downstairs." He said, and walked away.

"What are _you doing now, Cloud?" Tifa asked pseudo-sweetly._

"Do you wanna come shopping Cloud?" Aeris added in the same tone.

Cloud glanced at them both warily. "Uh... why don't you both go... together... I'm going to..." he thought frantically. "Call Pricilla!  Heh heh… yeah, haven't talked to her for ages..." He almost tripped, he was running so fast.

The two girls looked at each other, and glared. "That was YOUR fault!"

***

"Are you sure they're not gonna pull something on us tonight?" Reno asked, dumping his bag on the bed.

"..." Rude pointed out thoughtfully.  He was looking out the window with his usual blank expression.

Elena was neatly packing her clothes and materia into the small shelves. "Maybe we could get AVALANCHE to give us a hand."

"What's the point?" Tseng replied as he unloaded their equipment. "Cloud and his friends are unstable.  Didn't you see that this morning?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Why would we want AVALANCHE to help us?" Reno retorted, fishing around in his pockets for a cigarette. "Like they'd be any use, they can't even work together-"

"…" Rude interrupted.

Reno lit up, blew smoke towards the window. "That doesn't count."

"…"

"Just shut up, Rude!" Reno snapped in frustration. Rude smirked.

"Listen up." Tseng ordered. "We're leaving tomorrow morning.  I don't want any of you to start a fight with AVALANCHE."

"Why not?" Reno complained.

Tseng sighed. "We didn't bring any Phoenix Downs."

***

Hmm.  Since that's not over yet, the next chapter should be out soon… ish.  Next up, it's not over for Cloud… and the arrival of someone unexpected. Well, unexpected by Cloud, anyways.

Keep reviewing everyone! It's heaps cool! I'll be writing updates in my journal (yay!), so check that out, leave a comment would be very nice.

Very, very nice! Well, bye now!


	4. We're ALL fine here

Hey again!  Back again, with a new chapter... and thanks for all the reviews!  Don't stop though... ^^  Everyone's gone _completely crazy in the story, if you can tell, so I hope you enjoy..._

Rating: Same as usual.

Disclaimer: Also same as usual.... strangely enough.

***

  
The next morning, Cloud woke up with the sun pouring into his eyes.  Grumbling, he got out of bed and fixed up his spikes.  _That damn dream again!  And I'd better not be hearing people's thoughts again.  I won't be able to take it.... and the Turks as well!  I need a vacation..._

After his spikes were in their usual upright position, he padded down the stairs into the kitchen, like always, and headed straight for the coffee machine.

"Hey Cloud, what's doin?" 

Cloud spun around in surprise. "Oh, Vince.  I told you yesterday to stop doing that." He took a seat, eyeing the dark man, who as usual, was shrouded by the daily newspaper.

"I didn't remember."

_Thank god.  I don't hear all that mind-talk.  At least he's back to normal..._

"That's weird, hey?  I mean, I remember the rest of the stuff that happened yesterday, like you talking to me when I didn't say anything, which was _damn weird, but I don't remember scaring you, if I actually scared you in that sense.  But, yeah, I dunno how I could scare you.  You need more sleep.  Get up later or something.  I mean, who's going to notice?"_

Cloud just stared at him at a bit.  Vincent shrugged at him, and looked at the paper.

Tifa dragged herself in to the kitchen, headed straight for the coffee.

"Morning Tif." Cloud said warmly, seeing she was a little touchy.  He just supposed she had a bad sleep, or something.

"Fuck you Cloud." Tifa replied in between mouthfuls of coffee. "Make your own damn eggs."

"I didn't even say... anything..." Cloud stammered in surprise.

Vincent dropped the newspaper on the table and shot Tifa an amused glance. "What the hell's wrong with you?" He asked. "You know Cloud can't defend himself."

"Too fuckin right..." Tifa leaned against the counter, and inhaled the strong coffee scent with a satisfied sigh.

Cloud looked at the two of them. "Are you two... alright?" he cautiously asked, eyeing each of them in turn.

"Just bitchin'..."

"Well, I'm pretty good, actually.  Well, this morning my bed had this weird little creak, and that was _so annoying, so I had to get up early."_

"You're always up early." Cloud replied dumbly.

"It's because my bed squeaks, I just said that." Vincent shook his head. "Geez..."

"Good morning all." Barret greeted mildly, without his usual eloquence.  He reached into the cupboard and took some cereal.

"Hi guys!" Yuffie bounded in behind him. "Hi Vinnie! What's up?" she dropped into her chair.

_Well, Yuffie's the same... somewhat.  Barret's quiet, though. That's a good thing for a change, Cloud mused, absently tapping his coffee mug against the table._

Vincent began to go on about his squeaky bed.  Aeris entered silently.  She smiled vacently at Cloud, stuck her tounge out at Tifa, and sat down.

"What was that, you ugly bitch?" Tifa demanded shrilly , slamming her mug on the counter and making for Aeris, fists curling.

"Why fight guys?" Cid asked. "Not that it's unorthodox in this gathering of esteemed people."

Shocked silence.

"The_ fuck you talking about?"_

_Sigh... Barret's back...  Cloud sighed.  But it wasn't Barret, he noticed.  Instead, Reno stared at them all as he slouched against the door frame._

"Oh, hey Reno, grab some cereal." Vincent said. "Tif's in one of her _moods, so there's no eggs."_

"_Moods?!" Tifa screeched. "I do not have __MOODS!!" She stopped glaring at Aeris and started glaring at everyone else. Cloud whimpered quietly to himself.  Aeris had tuned out already.  Cid and Barret had gone outside, apparently have an "educated" discussion about mechanics while they ate their healthy cereal._

Reno just stared blankly. "Did I miss something?"

"Reno, why can't you be a good Turk, just like Vincent was..." Yuffie replied.

"Hey, thank you."

Reno kept the blank expression, moving on to Tifa. "Hey, babe, can you-" he gurgled as his oxygen supply was abruptly cut off.  Tifa glared at him, and finally removed her hand from his throat.

"My name is not 'babe'." She snarled. "It's Tifa. TI - FA.  You want to sound that out again?" she pushed Reno away. "And make your own damn eggs."

"Uhh-huh.." Reno rubbed his neck. "God damn, am I the only _sane person round here?" he sat down with his cereal in a huff, glaring at Tifa from time to time._

"Hey, Cloud..." Aeris said. "I like you.  You know that?  I tried to make it obvious, but you're a little dense."

Cloud sweatdropped, and watched Tifa launch herself at the Ancient with a shriek of rage.  The others, other than Reno, just ignored the massively clichéd bitch-slapping-fight.

"Whoo!" Reno cheered, his foul mood evaporated at the sight of the tussle. "BITCH FIGHT!!"

The fighting pair moved it to the tiled floor, rolling around in their attempts to rip out hair and eyes.

Rude entered the madhouse... uh, kitchen, sunnies on and a huge grin on his face.

"Whoa, the sun is just _sooo out there this morning!" he beamed, completely ignoring the cat-fight, and throwing open the curtains. "Look!  Perfect day, right?"_

"Dude, what the hell's with you today?" Reno demanded.  He leant over to feel Rude's temperature. "You sick or somethin?"

Rude knocked Reno's arm away. "Nope.  Oh hey!!  Mako loops!  I love them!" he proceeded to snatch away Reno's cereal. "Did you know that if you feed these to bird, they explode?"

Tseng appeared soon after, looking curiously at the fight on the tiled floor. "What's going on on your floor, Cloud?"

Cloud sighed. "Aeris and Tifa are fighting."

"Well, that's kinda obvious." Tseng grumbled. "Geez, whaddya take me for?"

"A not-too-bright Turk, obviously." Vincent looked up from his conversation with Yuffie.

"Not too bright?" Tseng glared. "That's just the other Turks, not me, remember."

"Oh," Vincent shrugged. "My mistake."

"HEY!!" Elena stomped into the room, holding her fist towards Tseng's face. "So I'm not too bright then?"

"Ah, settle down Elena." Tseng hurriedly backed away. "Hey, have you taken something?  You're acting a little bit more violent than usual."

"Yeah, hey, what the hell's up with you?" Reno added, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

"I'm sick of being treating like some fucking rookie, alright?" Elena snapped. "I could take ya all on myself!"

"Oh yeah?" Tseng could never refuse a challenge.  Soon, there were two fights on the kitchen floor.

Cloud groaned.  Reno looked at him sympathetically.

"Don't tell me they're like this all the time?" he asked curiously.

Cloud shook his head. "Are the Turks always like this?" He countered.  He couldn't help thinking about that weird dream. _Is this all because of these weird dreams?_

Vincent commented calmly, "You should break that up before something gets broken.  And then we'd _all be screwed."  
"Uh huh!  Damn, Aeris and Tifa are __sooo pathetic!" Yuffie chimed in, pumping her fist._

"Damn straight.  You should see them when they go both swimming with Cloud..." 

Vincent replied, and they faded into another conversation Cloud didn't want to hear.  Apparently, they both seemed to enjoy Aeris and Tifa fighting over him.  But, then again, _he didn't exactly want to try to break up the two fights on the floor._

"Hey Rude," Reno finally said. "Can you get El' and Tseng to take that somewhere else?"

"Yeah sure, but why should I both when you can, hmm?" Rude countered smoothly, still gazing out the window with his Mako-loops. 

Reno frowned. "...Damn, got no comeback for that one." He looked puzzled. "Why the hell'd I say that?"

"Losing your mind, Reno?" Rude asked. "Not a good thing for a Turk.  You know, a Turk back around Vincent's time had..."

He'd had enough.  Getting up, he placed his coffee mug in the sink, and walked out, all with a serene smile on his face.  Maybe if he denied it ever happening, he'd wake up and find everyone was normal again.  He bit back a sob.

Leaning against the doorframe, he gasped for breath. _What the hell is going on?  Is everyone playing tricks on me?  Nah, it's too smart for them, and those guys couldn't agree on anything._

"This is so crazy." He muttered, rubbing his temples and trying to get his heart rate back to normal.  Then he heard muted piano music. "What the..." Sure, there was an old piano upstairs, but it was so old and broken no one bothered to use it.  So what was going on now?

Cloud ran up the stairs.  He didn't want to leave that group in the kitchen, but he didn't want hang around, either.  In the old ballroom was Cid and Barret, crouched over the old piece of junk.  They turned around when they heard him approach.

"Oh, hey Spike." Cid greeted, waving with a spanner. "We just decided to fix this old piano."

Barret nodded. "Yeah, it'll sound really nice when we've finished."

_Cid, and Barret, working together__?? That's impossible.  And them actually liking__ the sound of a piano... even weirder._

"Uh, I didn't know you liked pianos." Cloud said, not willing to go any closer.

"Yeah, they're quite nice, actually." Cid said, nodding before disappearing under the piano again. "Not as good as an airplane, but quite close."

"Actually, I find pianos a much more soothing than the sound of an airplane." Barret countered reasonably. "And you don't have to go into the air to hear it."

"That's true, but..."

Cloud shuddered.  _These two, having a normal, sane conversation, is something I would never have dreamed of... Hey, maybe if I go back to sleep, I'll wake up and everything will be normal._

He cheered slightly at the prospect of everything being the way it was, and exited quietly, heading for his room.  He was sure Cloud and Barret had completely forgotten his presence.  Opening his bedroom door, he yawned, already anticipating the cool sheets and quiet oblivion.  And almost fell in shock to find his room wasn't empty.

"Hi Cloud!" Aeris smiled at him from her seat on the end of his bed.

"Cloud..." Tifa glared at Aeris, and turned back with a cheery smile.

Uh oh...

Cloud looked at them, his mako-blue eyes wide in surprise. "Uh... uh... what're you doing... here?" he stammered, glancing nervously between them.

Aeris giggled.  Tifa made a face. 

"Well, it's kinda obvious, really Cloud." She said matter-of-factly. "I want you to sent Aeris away, and tell me how much you love me."

Aeris slapped her, green eyes flashing in anger. "Shut up, bitch!  Cloudy loves me!"

"HE DOES NOT!" Tifa retorted, her fists already flying.

Cloud closed the door behind him as he escaped quickly.  The sounds of a fight followed behind him.  _Shit!  Isn't there any room in the mansion where there isn't any psychotic people either fighting or... talking?_

A peek into the kitchen showed that Tseng and Elena had taken their fight elsewhere, while he couild see Rude in the garden through the window, feeding the birds his Mako-loops, and cunning grin on his usual passive face. Reno was seated on the couch, drinking a beer.

"Hey, Cloud, you mind tellin me what the hell's goin on with these people?" he demanded when he saw the leader of AVALANCHE in the doorway.  "Thanks for the beer, by the way."

"Um, that's okay.  And I have no idea..." Cloud admitted, taking a seat beside Reno. "It looks like you or me haven't been affected by this... thing."

"Yeah, I've been thinkin it was like, some kinda poison in the water, but I dunno..." Reno shrugged. "It's freakin me out... Holy shit!  Why'm I tellin' you this shit!" he leapt up and stalked outside to try and talk some sense into his colleagues. 

_No, you've been affected by whatever this is, Cloud thought morosely. __The difference with you is that you speak your thoughts all the time, unlike everyone else.  Hey, maybe there's a clue or something downstairs in the cellar.  Let's hope so._

He took a peak in Vincent's "room" as he went by.

"Check out this little bit here... see?  It squeaks!"

"Yeah, that totally sucks!  You should get another bed Vinnie..."

"Vinnie? Where the hell'd that name come from?  It makes me sound like a puppy. 'Here Vinnie!  Good boy...'"

Yuffie laughed. "Good Vinnie..."

Cloud shrugged, and continued into the cellar, where all the books from the Niebelheim Mansion had been dumped after the move.  He had always planned to organize the massive collection, but like many things, he'd never found the time.  Always breaking up some fight or another.

The cellar looked just the same as it did the last time he'd visited.  Thousands of books, old and new, were in piles reaching to the ceiling.  And there was a bonus of dust covering each one.  Cloud sighed, picking up the nearest one and blowing the dust coating off.

Looking through Hojo's old books, he found a whole number of interesting possibilities.

"Cursed by a witch on New Years... no, that can't be it, it's July.  Drank melted ice from the Ice-witch in the snow fields...haven't been there for a while.  Made love to... that's just WRONG! ...God, maybe it's just me hallucinating.  But I haven't been hit with any staus attacks, or been cursed lately, or smashed a mirror- no wait, that's bad luck.  Dammit!" he threw the book down in disgust, causing little piles of dust to explode into pretty little mushroom clouds.

"What's your problem?" Elena demanded, suddenly appearing from nowhere.

Cloud jumped, swinging around to see the blond Turk in the doorway, tapping her heel against the doorframe. "E-Elena!" he tensed his muscles.  With everyone's crazy mood swings lately, he wasn't taking any chances.  Besides, he already _knew Elena was psychoticly violent._

"Yeah, well, who else could it be?" she 'tisked' impatiently. "_Anyways, me and the other __Turks," she almost spat the word. "Are going after those terrorists.  We'll be back here later." She stomped off, her heels clicking loudly on the stairs._

Cloud looked after her, and scratched her head wondering how he hadn't hear her arrive.  Elena wasn't really acting _much different to usual, he realized, she was just a little less dense and passive.  Seems that some people's thoughts aren't as different to their actions.  He sank back into the overstuffed couch with a groan.  Unlike __some people... namely Tifa and Vincent and Cid and Barret... hell, just his entire team.  Tifa was the real worry, though.  Her new personality, or just the personality she kept hidden all the time, was __so drastically different to her normal sunny disposition.  It was hard to believe that she kept that hidden the whole time he'd known her.   But, then again, the whole tea thing from a few weeks ago had brought out parts of her personality he never wanted to see again._

"Hey, man, you feeling alright?" Vincent asked. "You look a little pale.. heh heh.." he laughed at his own little joke. Uninvited, he sat down in the adjacent chair.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Cloud replied tiredly.

"No, I'm not too sure about that," Vincent replied shrewdly.  He leaned forward in his chair and added, "you've been jumping all over the place, running in and out, saying weird things, just acting weird."

"Speaking of acting weird..." Cloud muttered to himself.  Looking up, he said, "Vincent, have you noticed anything weird about anyone _else in the house this morning?" he watched Vincent lapse off into thought._

"Hmm..." he mused. "Well, now that you mention it, I've never seen Barret so hyped about a piano before."

Cloud sweatdropped. "That's _all?!" he choked out. "That's the __only thing you think is different to usual?  Not Tifa and Elena's new psychotic tendencies, not Rude's evil mako-loop habits, not Aeris and her inability to make coherent sense?  How about Cid and Barret's newly developed friendship and their good manners?  And what about __you?  Why are you so damn perky?" he demanded, his stress reaching borderline, and breaking through it._

Vincent stared at the broken man in front of him, and carefully saying in the tone people use only for the mentally insane, "Cloud, I think you might be hallucinating."

Cloud just giggled madly. "I think so too..." 

"Oh please." A deep voice remarked with a sneer. "I wasted _my time, and he just thinks he's crazy."_

Vincent looked around the shadowed room with mild curiosity.  It took him a few moments to notice the figure sitting on a pile of old books. "Sephiroth, I wasn't expecting you here." He greeted smoothly, patting Cloud on the head at the same time.

"I'm not surprised you're not surprised," Sephiroth commented dryly, and vanished to reappear on a closer pile of books.

"Hmm, that sounded clever," Vincent replied, picking one of the books beside his chair, blowing the dust away before opening the cover. "How's Jenova?"

"Oh, good good," Sephiroth shrugged. "A little bloated, but you get that."

Cloud slowly began to collect his thoughts, the sound of his nemesis chatting bringing him back from the brink of another mental breakdown.  Then he realised... it was his nemesis! Sephiroth!

"YOU!" he cried, his finger trained on the silver haired ex-megalomaniac.

"Cloud... you haven't got your sword here..." Vincent hissed.

Cloud belated realized that, and withdrew his hand, scratching his head instead. "Aren't you dead?" he asked, curious now, after the initial shock had dropped back into denial.

Sephiroth rolled his green eyes, and a little smirk appeared on his elegant face. "Cloud, sometimes I wonder how you defeated me," he said with a shake of his head.

Cloud just stared up at him blankly. "What do you mean?" he asked dumbly.

_                                                            Flash._

                        Thousands of Phoenix Pinions, floating into the lifestream.

_                                                            Flash.  _

"Oh, shit." Cloud uttered dully as he realized.  He realized, as his earlier state of denial vanished, that his most hated enemy, the General Sephiroth, who summoned METEOR, as well as doing a whole lot of crazy shit, was sitting just above him. "If you'll give me a second, I'll get the Ultima Sword, and finish you off for GOOD!"

He was about to run to his bedroom, when he noticed that Sephiroth hadn't moved.  In fact, he hadn't even reacted.

"Um, Sephiroth?" Cloud asked. "Are you just going to sit there while I cut you up?" An honorable suggestion, he thought proudly.

The great General just shrugged, and vanished to appear relaxing comfortably on the seat Cloud had just vacated. "Not like it wouldn't be fun to cut_ you up," he replied thoughtfully. "I'm not really interested in that anymore."_

Cloud's jaw dropped. "..."

"The whole possessed maniac thing's kinda passed now," Sephiroth continued mildly, flicking a speck of dust from his shoulder pad.

"Oh..." Cloud just nodded. "So... it was you who made everyone else go crazy?"

"Didn't you want to know what people were really thinking?" Sephiroth asked in an innocent tone. "I thought I was doing you a favor."

Vincent smirked. "Some favor."

"But... how?" Cloud asked dumbly.

"Really, Strife, being dead does wonders for a person." Sephiroth replied coolly.

"Ahh!!  There you are!"

Sephiroth's face instantly darkened as the trio's attention was drawn to a greasy looking figure standing, stooping rather, in front of them.

"What do you want now, Hojo?  I told you to stop following me."

"HOJO?!" Vincent and Cloud exclaimed.

"Yes, yes, I know.  But I want to be near you, my son!" Hojo reached out to Sephiroth, who batted his hand away.

"Get away from me.  And I'm NOT your son!"  His tone suggested to Cloud that they'd had this argument before.

Besides him, Vincent was clenching his fist.  And claw.  "Hojo..."

Hojo's glasses flickered as he turned to the ex-Turk. "Oh, Vincent, how's it going?" he asked in his slimey voice.

"Grr..."

"Oh, but you can't turn into Chaos anymore!" Hojo continued. "So what're you gonna do now, heh heh... uh oh."

Vincent was holding the Death Penalty in his hand.  Hojo gulped, and began to half-run, half-shuffle to the doorway.

"Come back here, you bastard!" Vincent yelled, giving chase.

Cloud and Sephiroth listened as the sound of shouts, gunfire, and smashed glass filled their ears.

"TAKE YOUR GOD DAMN FIGHT OUTSIDE!!!"

Cloud sighed.  Tifa.

The front door opened, then slammed.  The lights dimmed for a moment, then returned to their usual dull lustre.

"Can you turn them back to normal, please?" Cloud finally asked.  He'd thought it over for a few moments, and decided that a peaceful house and owing Sephiroth was better than living with 5 or so crazy people.

Sephiroth shrugged. "Aren't you going to ask why I did it?" he asked, his green eyes piercing Cloud's mako-blue ones.

'That would be clever...' Cloud's inner voice remarked. "Ok," he said aloud. "Why?"

Another shrug. "Because I can."

Cloud sweatdropped.

"And because _they said it's time for Aeris to come back." _

"Who is _they?" Cloud asked curiously. He remember Aeris speaking of a __them a while ago, but he'd forgotten to ask..._

"_They... is __them." Sephiroth replied expansively, his face blank but his eyes mirthful._

"Um..."

"You wouldn't understand, since you're not dead." Sephiroth, in the space of an instant, had drawn the Masamune and hit Cloud over the back of the head with the flat of the blade.  Cloud found himself falling into the sweet oblivion, and heard the words, "Sleep now..."

And everything shattered into blessed darkness.

***

He woke up with a mouthful of dust.  Rolling over and coughing it all back up, he realised belatedly that he was on the floor in the cellar.

_Sephiroth._

_Hojo._

_Aeris._

In a flash, he was on his feet, running upstairs.  Almost skidding around the corner to the kitchen, he stopped still at the sight of his friends at the kitchen table.

"Morning Cloud!" was the general greeting, as he strode over to the coffee maker.  As the beans were ground, he turned to look at his team.  Cid had a cigarette, and dumping the ashes into Barret's orange juice while the massive man was retying his shoelaces.  Vincent was behind his daily newspaper, reading silently.  And Tifa was walking towards him with a smile.

"Aeris left early this morning," she said, her face displaying a hint of satisfaction though her voice was good-natured. "I don't think she wanted to wake you."

He noticed that she didn't comment on exactly _where he was sleeping._

"And the Turks?" he asked, as he noticed the four blue suited Turks weren't there.

"They left this morning, too." Tifa gave him a small smile. "I heard Reno complaining as they left."  She handed him a piece of paper from her pocket. "This is from them."

Cloud carefully unfolded it and read Tseng's impeccable writing. 'Thanks for the hospitality?' He thought in amusement, reading Tseng's polite, but obviously insincere note.  He handed the sheet back with a grin.

"Hope they won't be returning too soon," he commented, turning back to his now percolated coffee beans.  He added hot water and milk, and followed Tifa back to the bench.

"HEY!" Barret suddenly bellowed, making an effort not to spit his orange juice all over the table. "Who tha HELL put crap in my juice?!"

Everyone looked at Cid, who was stubbing his cigarette in his eggcup.

Cid drew himself up in outrage. "Why the %&^# are you all lookin' at me?" he demanded. "I never $&^%&^# put no ^$&#% in his" he gestured with an elbow to Barret. "$#^&$# drink!"

"We SAW you, old man!" Yuffie burst in with her high pitched voice. "It's your ash!"

"&^^&* you too!" Cid retorted.

"Stop swearing, Cid," Tifa admonished with a severe expression. "And go and get Barret some more juice."

"Yeah, %&^% em." Cid slouched off to the fridge, cupping the flame of the match as he lit up another cigarette.  He flicked the match to the floor, watching the burst of sparks it sent up on its path.  

It almost scared him to death when the smoke alarm went off from directly above him. 

"%&&$!!!" he cried, dropping his cigarette in surprise. "#@%&#$#%!!" he added, cursing the loss of his cigarette.

"You foo!" Barret lumbered over to the alarm, flicked it off and sending the room into silence.

"Really Cid, you should smoke outside from now on," Cloud warned good-naturedly.  

"Yeah, yeah..." Cid made for the door, still cursing and muttering under his breath.

"We'll come to your funeral!" Yuffie sang after him.

"We're going to have to do something about that," Tifa said, her face taking on fierce determination. "He smokes too much, it's not good for him."

"Swears too much as well," Cloud added. "I'll talk to him about it later."

Tifa gave him her brightest smile. "Thanks Cloud."

Yuffie got up, rolling her gray eyes and gagging. "Ohh, _thank you Cloud,  you're my __hero, Cloud, I want to have thousands of your babies..."_

"YUFFIE!" Tifa squawked, her face turning crimson as she chased the little thief out the kitchen door.

"Gonna go finish some work..." Barret muttered, treading out the door and up the stairs.  Soon after, the faint strains of piano music whispered in their ears.

"So... it's just you and me, Vince," Cloud said, finishing off his coffee and putting his mug in the sink.

"I'm going hunting with Sephiroth." Vincent replied flatly, beginning to neatly fold his newspaper.

"Oh." Cloud replied.  Out of all his friends, only Vincent had seen the General, and remembered it. "So what are you hunting?"

"Hojo." Vincent replied, leaving the paper on the table as he left.

Cloud sighed.  Walking out the back door, he decided to have that talk with Cid.

***

To be continued!  Next up, Cloud's out to fix Cid's swearing and smoking problems, Yuffie develops narcolepsy, a brief visit from Shera, and cameo's from random dead people!

R&R is (VERY!!!) welcome, and I'll *hopefully* get the next chapter out soon.  By _soon, I mean eventually..._


	5. Dead Friends and Herbal Cigarettes

Wow. It sure has been a long time since I've worked on this *sheepish grin*.  But since my break starts next week, I should have plenty of time to write a little.  *Coughs*

Thank you for all your great reviews! I love getting the little email from Fanfiction.bot, and I'm looking forward to more!

Rating: PG-13, I guess.

Disclaimer: My name is Hironobu Sakaguchi and I own FF7. Wait, what am I doing writing fiction?! 

*whaps self in head and runs off to remake FF7 on PS2*

Hell, that's what _I'd_ do.

Chapter 5:  Dead friends and herbal cigarettes.__

The tall neo-Shinra Building had always been a hub of activity and noise.  Now, however, it's 64 floors were scaled by cranes, ladders, and all sorts of machinery as Midgar Building Company ©® repaired the massive extent of damage incurred by a _classified_ Shinra incident.  An incident which involved four mysterious demons destroying most of the upper levels of the skyscraper.  But Eddie Forsythe didn't usually ask questions.  The manager of Midgar Building Company ©® was a short, burly man with thinning blonde hair under his construction cap (It was rumoured that he never took it off, even in bed). 

He wasn't paid to ask questions, and President Reeve was paying him rather generously.  And besides, _everyone_ knew that Shinra did some weird projects, and they couldn't _all_ go right.  Right… Eddie reassured himself with a nod, and signalled for the crane to move up some more, transporting the tall columns that would hold the floors together.  The crane driver waved his acknowledgement, but Eddie was already beginning work with his drill.

Further inside the building, deep into the newly painted Turk Lounge, Elena rubbed the bridge of her nose and downed a few more asprin.  It would be a few more days before the usual sound proofing technology was installed on their level, and the constant drilling and construction work was destroying their usually silent workplace.  

"_Heeeeeeeyy_, y'all!" The automatic doors hissed open and Reno added to the unwelcome noise as he waltzed through them.  As his shirt buttons were all done up a set lower than the buttonholes, and his pants were on backwards, it was pretty clear to Elena that Reno was still drunk.  It proved her assumption when Reno attempted to sit at his work chair, missed, crashed on the ground and began snoring.  Tseng's office door opened slightly, and the Wutan Turk took in the scene with experienced passivity. 

"Should I wake him, sir?" Elena asked her boss with a slightly malicious gleam in her eye.  Taking out her headache on Reno sounded like a terrific idea.

Tseng pondered it for a second.  He'd much rather do it himself – Reno had come to work still drunk from the night before three times this week, and it was only Thursday.  However, he was denied the chance to get his petty revenge when his phone rang.  A scowl darkened his features as he waved his approval to Elena, and answered the damn phone.

"Yes?"  He idly watched through the doorway as Elena picked up Reno's nightstick.

"Tseng, it's Reeve here." 

"…" Tseng could smell the bitter electric odour of the nightstick; he could almost taste in on his tongue.

"I'm going on a business trip to Costa De Sol this afternoon-"

 *_Bzzzzt*_

"_ARGH_!!!!"

"Tseng, what was _that_?!" Reeve demanded, sounding panicked.

Tseng gave a benign smile. "Nothing, sir.  Is there anything else?"

"Yes, I'm leaving you in charge of the building while I'm gone.  Make sure the repairs keep on schedule."

"_ELENA!!!!!_"

Reeve paused.  _Something_ was going on down there, he wasn't sure what it was, and he didn't know if he wanted to know or not.

"Is there any business you want me to attend to?" Tseng asked him.  He didn't sound fazed by the strange buzzing and screaming Reeve could hear in the background.  In fact, the Turk sounded remarkably cheerful.

"Welll…"

"_ELENA WHEN I CATCH YOU I AM GOING TO SHOVE THIS **SO** FAR UP YOUR ASS!"_

"… not really. Just keep the building intact, alright?" Reeve finished, and hung up the phone with a nervous little sigh.  He'd tried to install a camera in the Turks' offices _so_ many times, but the little cameras always found their way back on to his desk the following day.  _Sure_, Reeve thought as he began to pack his briefcase; _never try to outsmart a Turk… or Tseng at least.  Maybe my most recent one will work…_

With another mournful sigh, Reeve took his bags and headed for the roof.

Rude had actually been in his office the entire morning, unnoticed and unwilling to interfere with Reno and Elena's antics.  His pale gray eyes were closed behind his shades; Rude was sleeping off a hangover of his own.  Of course he didn't make such a spectacle of it as Reno did, and that was because Rude was smart enough to know when to sneak in and sleep in his office.  Reno, in his six years as a Turk, hadn't learnt that yet.  And it was unlikely he ever would.

Tseng could still feel the electricity in the air when he returned the receiver.  He placed the latest of Reeve's security cameras in his pocket as he went back into the lounge.  Narrowly avoiding an angry-nightstick-welding Reno, he went over to the coffee machine.  Anticipating the steaming brew, he turned around and watched his two Turks tear up the reception again.  Elena was skilfully avoiding the fully-charged nightstick, fully aware that Reno would be more than happy to carry out his threat, but knowing that he was a lot slower than usual.

And then, abruptly, it got boring.  Tseng had his coffee, Reno switched off his nightstick, and Elena went to get Rude.

Reno sank into the lounge with a content sigh.  Kicking his feet up on the coffee table, he shot Tseng a grin, knowing his boss would have wanted to be the one to wake him up.  After all, Tseng did it yesterday, and the day before that…

All in all, he got off pretty lightly today.

"So what's news, boss?" he asked cheerily as the head Turk sat down at the couch opposite with his mug and several case folders.  Tseng just shot him a look before returning his attention to his notes.

"Aww, c'mon Tseng, at least I came to work on time, right..?" Reno smirked, enjoying the sour look his boss was giving him. "Don't be bitter that I got off lightly from Elena."

"Oh, I'm not." Tseng replied with such an unamused expression that Reno was reduced to silence. "Oh, by the way…"

"Yeah?" Reno replied cautiously.

"Your pants are on backward." Tseng informed him in a suspiciously dry voice.

"…fuck." Reno looked down, leapt up and stalked to his office, slamming the door behind him.  A few moments later, he emerged, ran a hand through his hair, and slouched down in his original position.

They waited in silence until Elena had dragged Rude from his office and joined them before Tseng laid out the day's business.

*~*

At Tifa's request, Cloud trailed Cid out to the back garden, following the trail of smoke that permanently surrounded the old pilot.  Cid was leaning against the wooden fence, one boot resting against the posts, the perfect image of male comfort.  But instead of chewing on a wheat stalk to complete the picture, he had his usual cigarette, puffing away at the self-rolled cancer stick, and blowing out the smoke in a way where the tendrils would catch on the wind and be swept out to the ocean.

"Mind if I join you?" Cloud asked as he approached the fence, picking across the tufts of dry grass and weeds. 

Cid shifted his eyes in his direction and remarked dryly, "I didn't know you smoked, kid." He smirked slightly as Cloud scratched his head in embarrassment.

"That's not what I meant," he replied, coming up beside the pilot and resting in a similar pose.  Reaching down, he pulled free a stalk of grass and began absently chewing on it.  

They both stared out to the sea for a few moments.  Cid was enjoying his smoke, and Cloud was trying to figure out what to say.  After all, how do you tell someone as stubborn as Cid to stop smoking?

Finally, Cloud began, "Cid-"

"What?"

"Uh…"

"Well, spit it out, kid!"

"Have you ever tried not smoking so much?" Cloud finally asked. Cid turned around and stared at him.

"Have you ever not put gel in your hair?" he countered.

"No…"

"Well there's your answer."

Cloud mentally whacked himself in the head. "Come on, Cid. You're smoking way too much, and you don't think about the consequences.  For yourself, as well as us." He added hastily.

Cid drew in, and expelled a mouthful of smoke into Cloud's face. "You don't like that, do ya?"

Cloud glared. "Where'd you get _that_ idea?" his expression softened; although it was no less determined. "Cid… it's getting to the point where-"

"Yeah, yeah…" Cid grumbled, dropping the cigarette and stubbing it out with the toe of his boot. "Satisfied?  $^&%^@&…"

Cloud grinned.  He knew it was only temporary, but he wasn't quite ready for Cid to drop off dead from lung cancer just yet. "That's great."

"HAHAHA!" Yuffie's nasal laugh assaulted their ears as she swept into view. "You two look _soo_ funny like that!  Heey Cid," she turned to the cigarette-less pilot. "You've got no smokes!  The world is coming to an end!!"

Cid's left eye began to twitch slightly. "Piss off, brat," he muttered darkly.

But, as Yuffie's nature dictated, she just couldn't give up this prize opportunity. "I think your lungs are gonna overload from lack of smoke!  They can't take the change! _Nyuk nyuk_! Did Cloudy tell you off?  _Aww_ you got in trouble-" she suddenly slumped to the ground unconscious.

Cloud turned to Cid in surprise.  He was holding a green material, and there was a satisfied smirk on his face. "I love a little peace and quiet, don't you kid?" he remarked in his gruff voice. "I'm goin' inside.  For &^%@&'s sake, don't wake her."

And with that, Cid turned and slouched off, leaving Cloud staring at the fallen Yuffie, who promptly opened her mouth and began to snore loudly.

            *~*

"…And Reeve's left for Costa, so-"

"Did he leave that fat old bastard in charge?" Reno interrupted quickly.  The 'fat old bastard' was Reeve's Vice President Rolfe, an old, bumbling man who could hardly see without his horn rimmed spectacles, and constantly got himself lost in the lower levels of the building.

"Rolfe went on leave, Reno, remember?" Elena reminded him sharply.

Reno got a thoughtful look. "So Rolfe's not in charge…Great!" He leapt up and strolled towards the exit, a happy grin on his face.

"Where are you going?" Tseng demanded wearily.

Reno stopped and spun around with a wounded expression. "To a bar." He answered as if it were obvious.

"…Why?" Rude rumbled, if only to remind the others he was still awake.

"There's no one in charge!  Let's go-"

"I've been left in charge." Tseng explained.

Reno's face fell. "Oh, fuck this." He muttered, turning back to the exit.  And suddenly froze, eyes wide as figurative saucers.

Elena jumped up in surprise. "Reno, what-" hurrying over to where Reno was standing, she gasped in shock.

"Oh come _on_, you two," Tseng scowled, watching their antics and being completely unimpressed.

Reno turned back to his boss, mouth working but no words coming out.  He looked out the doorway, then back to Tseng, confusion and surprise shadowing his mako-blue eyes.

"S-sir…" Elena murmured, watching the figure walk down the long corridor towards them. Tseng's curiosity finally got the better of him, and he came to take a look at what all the fuss was about.  Rude followed him, and opened the door. 

"Why can't you people stay dead…?" He muttered.

Rufus shot him a look, and tossed his blonde forelock. "How am _I_ supposed to know?" he retorted, brushing past them all with his customary arrogant expression. "After all, I am dead."

"You were," Reno commented, regaining his voice. "You look pretty fucking alive to me."

"You don't say." Rufus retorted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  Turning to Tseng, he demanded, "What's happened to this place?  Didn't you repair it after meteor? Why is there all this construction?"

"Oh, we repaired it after Meteor," Elena piped in. "It's only because of some… demons who destroyed most of the upper levels again…"

"Demons." Rufus repeated flatly, an eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Yes, demons." Reno drawled. "Vincent's, actually."

"Vincent's demons." Rufus said again.

"_Yes_, Vincent's demons." Reno repeated, an amused tic forming on the side on his mouth. "And-"

"Is my office intact?" Rufus abruptly demanded of Tseng. 

Tseng hesitated.  He knew this was coming. "Well, Reeve's the new President-"

"_Reeve_?!" Rufus balked in complete surprise.

"YES, REEVE!" Reno bellowed. "So stop repeating whatever we say, god dammit!"

"Reno!" Elena squawked, tugging on his ponytail to shut him up.

But, to her surprise, Rufus didn't take out his shotgun and shoot the lanky Turk.  Instead, he just smirked, did his trademark hair-flick, and headed out the door.

"…" Rude said/didn't say.

"No fucking kidding…" Reno agreed with the mute statement with a shake of his head.

"Where is he going?" Elena asked, following Tseng, who was tailing Rufus.  

Tseng didn't pause in his stride. "To his office."

"I don't suppose we can change his mind," Elena mused aloud. "He always was stubborn."

"_Stubborn_?!" Reno repeated incredulously, giving the blonde a whack over the head. "No need to understate, Laney."

"Alright, so he's completely immovable," Elena scowled, pressing her hair back into place.

"…He's just retaking his job." Rude pointed out. "After all, he was the previous President."

Reno and Elena did a twin double take at Rude's insightful comment. 

"Rude's right," Tseng agreed, hitting the elevator button with the flat of his hand. "Once he goes in there, we're never going to get him out again."

"ARGH!" Reno abruptly wailed, slumping against the wall in mock despair. "How can I scam off the system when Rufus is back!  It's not _fair_!"

Elena snickered. "Give it a rest, Reno.  You and Rufus were like brothers!"

Reno glowered back at her. "Yeah.  He was my brat sibling who I wanted to throw out the top floor window every day."

"Yeah, like I said!" Elena retorted. "That's brotherly love!"

Reno face faulted.

Elena blushed. "Err…"

Rude smirked.

Tseng rolled his eyes.

Reno gave Elena a dark glare. "You're the next one to go out that window, Laney."

She huffed. "I'd like to see you try!"

"No one is going to throw anyone out of that window." Tseng interjected firmly. "Besides, it's bolted down."

The elevator halted; the doors slid open.  Elena danced out, making sure to keep clear of Reno – her Freudian slip was going to cost her.  The others followed, heading for the President's Office.  Tseng opened the thick wooden door open, and they headed up the staircase.

"Ahh, I was waiting for you to arrive," Rufus greeted cordially from his resting place behind the massive desk. His white jacket was hanging in the usual place: on the hook to the left of the bookshelf, and his feet were propped up next to the keyboard. Just like old times.

"I have your assignments." Rufus continued, reaching into a drawer and pulling out some folders.

As Tseng hesitantly reached over to take them, Reno muttered to Rude, "Talk about hitting the ground running."

"…" Rude nodded.  No one understood what he said/didn't say, but it was probably something like "No shit, Reno."

Tseng was flicking through the files.

"Any questions?" Rufus asked him.

"I've got one," Reno muttered.

"I wasn't asking _you_, Reno." Rufus retorted with a smirk.  His eyebrow rose (again) as he gave the messy Turk a one-over. "Can't you even get dressed in the morning?" he demanded.

Reno glanced down, and realized his buttons were all wrong.  He glowered at Tseng. "You forget to mention that?"

Tseng just shrugged. "I'm not your nursemaid." He replied mildly. "Learn to dress yourself for a change."

"Bastard…" Reno muttered, turning away to re-do his buttons.

"So what happens when Reeve comes back?" Elena asked curiously.  She was directing the question to Tseng, but Rufus replied.

"Elena, think of it this way.  He took my job while I was dead, and now I'm _reclaiming_ my job. It's all quite simple." 

"… Don't think Reeve's going to take it that way…" Rude commented.

"Was I asking for your opinion, Rude?" Rufus demanded shrilly. "You know what?  You talk too much!"

Rude scowled.

"That's right!  Now get out of my office!" Rufus added, feeling nice and rich and powerful.

"Shut the fuck up Rufus - or I'll throw you down that staircase," Reno threatened, anticipation of danger flickering in his eyes. "You got 13 stitches last time…" he let the threat fade away with a grin. "Your daddy wasn't too impressed."

Rufus' triumphant expression drooped into what could almost be called a pout. "Oh, I remember how enjoyable that was for you.  Three weeks cleaning duty." The smirk re-appeared. 

Reno scowled. "No shit," he muttered, conceding the argument.

"Good. Now get out." 

Tseng rolled his eyes at his sulking Turk as the group returned downstairs.

"See Reno?" Elena giggled. "Brotherly lo-"

"The window is _just_ over there, Elena…" Reno retorted, giving her a shove so that she teetered on the staircase for a moment.  

"There's plenty of cleaning to be done, Reno." Tseng warned idly, setting Elena straight before going in to the elevator.  Elena put her chunky heels to good use, giving Reno a good kick in the shin before following her boss.

Rude gave his partner a sympathetic glance, who was hopping around on one foot, slinging wild curses in the elevator's direction, before propelling Reno inside and closing the door.

Well, that went longer than expected. It just kinda _went_, and _weeeeeeent_…

Oh well! R&R is welcome, duh, so leave a comment darlings!


	6. Grass is healthy, really!

I just noticed it's been over half a year since I last updated. *blush* oops!

Thanks for your reviews, as always! They make me grin :D

Oh yeah, Sephiroth may be a _little_ OOC.  Maybe. I dunno.  

Rating: PG-13, as always..

Disclaimer: All mine, I say!

Chapter Six: Too much grass and not enough herbs.

"Just remember, you have to be very, _very_ quiet." Sephiroth reminded.  Quite unnecessarily, because it was Vincent he was talking to.

"…" Vincent shot him a deadpan glare that spoke plenty on its own.

"Alright alright…" Sephiroth gathered his big black cloak around himself, and settled further into his hiding spot.

There was silence for a few moments, then came the sound of singing.  Bad singing, in fact.  Actually, think of two cats pitted against each other, and you're close.

Vincent and Sephiroth peeked over the massive overturned log they were hiding behind.  

"Finally…" Sephiroth muttered, a hint of satisfaction in his sneer.

Aeris was strolling through the forests of Gongaga, a basket in her hands and an off tune on her lips. 

Vincent didn't know what to think.  Ever since he started hanging out with Sephiroth (_"And only Sephiroth.  None of that _Sephy_ bullshit."_), who was a self-confessed narcissistic lunatic (_"And damn proud of it!"_), things had been entertaining, if a little weird.  Hunting down Hojo, Vincent had to admit, was enjoyable, but perhaps not the old 'tar-and-feathers, and leaving him in Midgar City' gag.  And picking on Aeris happened to be a favourite of the green-eyed, masamune-toting madman.  Which was why the two of them were hiding behind that giant log.  Waiting to see if Sephiroth's latest "creation" was going to work.  And Vincent had to admit he was curious.

***

Cloud heaved a long sigh.  His little "talk" with Cid had gotten nowhere at all, just two lungs full of second hand smoke.  Which, he had learnt on television was more dangerous than smoking itself.  

He nudged the snoring, drooling Yuffie with his boot.  'Weird that she's still asleep,' he thought with minimal concern. '_Seal_ has normally worn off by now…' He shrugged.  Although it was kind of degrading for the young ninja, it was a great way to keep her quiet, if only for a few hours.

Suddenly, a sharp beeping filled the air.  Cloud turned to the house in surprise; hand on his sword just in case.

There was no one in sight… no armed invasion from the East…

Then he heard, "CID!!!! I SAID NO SMOKING INSIDE!!!"

And then, a quieter, "$%^%^&%*…!!!" 

Tifa and Cid.  Fearing the worst, Cloud stepped over Yuffie and hurried towards the house.

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS!! I THOUGHT CLOUD TALKED TO YOU!!!"

"#$&*%&^…"

"YOU CAN GO AND DIE OF LUNG CANCER FOR ALL I CARE!!"

The front door slammed just as Cloud burst through the back door.  Cid had a murderous expression on his face as he dropped his cancer stick on the ground, stomped on it, turned on his heel, and marched out through the front door as well.  Cloud didn't think it was the best time to confront Cid about his language, either.

***

Yuffie rolled over with a face full of sand. "Gawd… where am I?" she spat out excess sand, wiped her mouth, and glared at her surroundings.  Oh… she was outside her own home.  And then… she remembered.  Bothering Cid and Cloud, falling asleep… falling asleep on the sand. Right.  Making a typically perky leap to her feet, she checked her materia. Yup, all present.  Now, while Yuffie was often a 'spirited' girl (putting it optimistically), she didn't get _really_ mad all that often.  She also wasn't stupid. (At least, not all the time).  Her eyes narrowed; her hands clenched into fists as she stormed towards the house, yelling "CLOUD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!"  
  


***

"We're in a bit of a situation here," Tseng said.  The Turks were back in their lounge, fairly pissed off that they had new missions already.  And from Rufus no less – assumed dead; the chances of him retaking office were slim to none.  Actually, no one had given it a second thought. Or any thought at all.

"Some understatement." Reno retorted, alternating between rubbing his bruised shin and glaring in every direction.  His assignment sheet was on the carpet – the moment he'd walked into the lounge he had scrunched it up and tossed it towards the trashcan.

Rude still had his in his gloved hand.. he didn't know what to do with it.

Elena had her mind on other things. "So what happens when Reeve gets back?" she questioned. "They _share_ the job"

Reno, still tetchy from Elena's booted attack, snapped back "They roast annoying little brats like you over hot coals for being annoying."

"Ugh Reno!  That coming from you is _so_ unsurprising." Elena turned her nose up.

Tseng rubbed his eyes. "Be quiet, you two." He muttered, stopping Reno's incoming retort. "We have a real situation on our hands."

"Not really." Rude said unexpectedly, surprising everyone. "After all, we're not on management, this is an issue which Reeve will have to deal with for himself."

The group blinked at him.

"Damn, Rude, I keep forgetting that you're not a mute," Reno remarked, reaching into his jacket pocket for stray cigarettes.  Finding one, he smoothed it out, and lit up.

"Smoking gives you cancer." Elena informed him promptly.  He blew a mouthful of smoke on her and she cringed, using both hands to wave the smoke away from her.

"On TV one night they said that second hand smoke is more dangerous than a cigarette itself." Reno said smugly.

The smoke alarm went off.

"Oops…" 

Three pairs of eyes glared at him for a moment, before looking pointedly at the large "No smoking" sign on the door.

"Reno, go and explain to the President." Tseng ordered.

"Aww, c'mon boss!" Reno protested, his mind creating all sorts of nasty things that Rufus would do to him.

Tseng didn't change expression… and Reno eventually looked away with a grumble, and stomped towards the elevator.

In the silence that followed, Elena said brightly, "So should we do these assignments, then?"

***

Hammering on the elevator button a few times, Reno had time to mutter a few choice words at Tseng, Elena, and especially Rufus.

"God damn asshole…" he managed to vocalise before the elevator doors opened, and the very object of his dislike stood inside, grinning at him.

"Reno!" Rufus exclaimed, putting on a clearly false upbeat tone.  Striding out of the elevator, he put his arm around the skinny Turk and began to guide him back towards the lounge. "I assume you were about to explain why you set off my fire alarm?"

"Actually, I was about to get the fuck outta the building…" Reno muttered. "And last time I checked, this is Reeve's building, not yours, _Ruffie_."

Rufus just grinned harder, pushing Reno into and through the doorway to the Turks Lounge.

***

"Cloud, move would yeh!" Barret bellowed from the couch. "I can't see the TV!"

Cloud shuffled out of the way, letting Barret get back to "The A Team".

"Damn foo…" Barret scowled at him, eyes not moving from the screen. Cloud sighed.  So Cid was fairly pissed at him, Tifa was furious, and now Barret. 

"CLOUD!!!" Yuffie burst into the house like an enraged whirlwind. "WHAAAT the hell is up with you casting SEAL on me!!?" She shrieked at him. "I got a mouthfulla SAND you king sized DORK!" And with that, she stole his materia, kicked him in the shins and stormed off.

Cloud blinked. "What…?"  he stammered blankly. 

Barret appeared to not notice the entire incident, just clutched onto the armchair as one of the characters got into trouble.

"HII GUUUUYSS!!!" An annoyingly familiar whine attached to an equally annoying Cait Sith greeted them, as the moogle bounced in the back door. "Everyone's looking damn pissed," he commented, dumping a paper bag on the kitchen counter. "I ran into that crazy Yuffie girl, and I told her she had sand in her hair.  And she hit me!  HARD! She coulda bruised my moogle…" Cait did his best impression of a pout.

"Cait Sith, what are you doing here?" Cloud asked bluntly.

"To watch the game, of course!" He replied happily, upturning the paper bag, revealing beer and crisps.  "Junon Dolphins verses Midgar Gunners!" he plopped down beside Barret. "I put it all on your tab, by the way…"

Cloud rolled his eyes, picking up the receipt.  It wasn't too serious, but the advertisement on the reverse side took his attention.

"Herbal cigarettes, hmm?" he mused.  'Less tar, which cheers up Tifa.  And they're still cigarettes, so Cid's happy', Cloud grinned. Jackpot.

***

Sepiroth looked at Vincent in the way a teacher would look at a particularly slow student. "Now, watch and learn.  Everyone knows that Aeris" He spat the name out like a curse. "loves flowers.  So…"

"I thought we were doing something constructive…" Vincent murmured.  Aeris was still singing to herself, swinging her basket and heading towards the grassy knoll covered in beautiful flowers.

"We are doing something constructive!" Sephiroth retorted, looking hurt. "Well, counter-productive…" he added with a smirk.

Aeris reached the knoll, a beatific smile on her peaceful face. "Ohh, these are beautiful…" she said happily, unleashing her basket. "I'll just take a few of these…" and she reached out to touch one.

It screamed.

She jerked her hand back… the flower didn't move.

A look of confusion crossed her face, but it soon passed, and she reached out to pluck the flower from its resting place.  She pulled at the stem, and it wailed in pain.  The little daisy waved it's little leaf in distress. "That huurts!" it cried out in a tinny voice.

Aeris dropped it in horror.   The little flower fell to the ground, crying and twitching.

And all of a sudden, the other residents of the knoll began to wail too. "Please don't hurt us!" they cried in unison, waving their little leaves.

Aeris dropped to her knees beside the fallen flower. "I didn't mean it!" she whimpered, tears springing to her eyes.  The little flower she had plucked was wilted and dead.

Sephiroth snickered. "And this is what they call job satisfaction." He remarked to Vincent, who was watching in a sort of morbid curiosity.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"Well…" Sephiroth began, but Aeris had heard them.  

"Sephy!" she growled, steam pouring out of her ears as she abandoned the flower patch and stormed over to the overturned tree.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "It's _Sephiroth_, for the thousandth time," he grumbled as Aeris stood over him.

"And Vincent, too!" She said angrily. "I never expected you to be in on this!"

He just looked impassively back at her.

"That was really mean, Sephy." Aeris pouted, her voice approaching a whine. "You said you'd stop playing tricks on people in the Promised Land."

"But you can't deny the daisies their feelings, Aeris," Sephiroth replied in a simpering voice, sounding quite distressed on behalf of the flowers.

"UGH!" Aeris lost any resemblance of being a nice, charming young woman. "When you get back home, you'll be in big trouble!" she hissed at him before stomping off into the forest.

Sephiroth waited until she was long gone before settling back on the tree. "Well, that was fun," he remarked with a grin.

Vincent was looking out onto the daisy patch. "…Don't you have anything better to do than play tricks on them?"

The response was immediate. "Well, being all powerful, a creative genius, and incredibly attractive to boot, what's a guy to do with his life?" Sephiroth shrugged and flicked his hair. "And, Valentine, believe me, you have no idea how utterly _boring_ the Promised Land is.  Full of stroppy old Ancients.  It's all the flower picking, 'I love nature' crap."

Vincent gave a tiny little smirk. "Doesn't sound like your cup of tea."

Sephiroth leapt up, brushed off his immaculate clothing. "That's correct.  And I prefer the real world.  More fun, more people to control just like old times.  Master of Puppets, _yeah_!" he drawled, breaking into the old Metallica song as he took off into the forest.  Vincent gave a long sigh and followed suit.

Why he was hanging around with this lunatic, he had no idea.

***

Cloud made hasty tracks to the local supermarket.  The place was largely deserted, the checkout chick with the beach-tan checking her fake nails in complete boredom.  

"Hi." Cloud said, after standing at the cigarette counter for about five minutes.

She finally turned around to him, and he noted that she looked the complete cliché – the hair flicking, gum chewing teenage brat. "Yeah?" she asked, looking him up and down.  She was apparently impressed by what she saw, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and holding her shoulders back.

"I'm looking for herbal cigarettes." Cloud said, and lost any bit of respect the girl had for him. "They're not for me!" he added quickly.

"Yeah, sure," she shrugged with an eyebrow raised.  Reaching beneath the counter, she flicked a box onto the counter. "38 gil."

Cloud placed the right amount of gil in her outstretched hand, snatched up the box and hid it under his arm before leaving the store.

The girl sniggered to herself. "Herbal cigarettes… he must be gay."

***

Reno sprawled onto the carpet.  Rufus strolled in after him. 

"Yes, Rufus?" Tseng asked calmly.

Rufus glared at the Head Turk. "You will call me _Sir_, or _Mr President_." He barked. "And you haven't even done your missions yet!  You guys are more pathetic than before!"

"Hey!" Elena squawked in restrained outrage.

"…" Rude added.

"You only gave them to us about an hour ago." Tseng reminded Rufus with a neutral expression.

"And you know what, I think I might give out some new assignments." Rufus abruptly decided, taking a seat and putting his feet up on the coffee table. "Reno, clean the latrines."

"WHAT?!" Reno squealed.  Even Tseng looked surprised.

"And… Elena, give me a neck massage." Rufus added. 

"That's sexual harassment in the workplace." Elena promptly informed him.  If nothing else, she knew the company policies by heart.

"Grr… fine then.  You can help Reno." Rufus snickered at his own genius.

"WHAT?!" Elena squealed. "I don't wanna clean the toilets!"

"Heh heh…poor little Laney having to do real work for a change," Reno remarked. Elena kicked him in the shin. "Not the fucking shins again!" He wailed, clasping the injured limb.

Tseng and Rude were just watching the scene with slightly resigned expressions.  First the insults, then the shins, then the hair.  It was only a matter of time. 

On the other hand, Rufus was finding this most entertaining.

"Oww Reno!" Elena tried to pry Reno's hands off her hair.

"…We should never hire children…" Rude muttered.

Rufus nodded in agreement. "Y'know, I think I've changed my mind.  Tseng, you and 

Rude can go back to what you were doing before."

"What, sitting around drinking coffee?" Reno quipped, one hand defending his own hair while the other hand pulling Elena's.

"Well, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that, shall I?" Rufus replied mildly.  He got up, brushed off his pristine white coat, and made for the door. "Oh yeah," he added, turning around. "You two can start with the ground floor."

Reno and Elena stopped their little fight. "Y'know, this time I'm _really_ going to throw you out the window, Rufus." Reno stalked towards the President, hands extended.

And this time, Elena seemed to have no objections.  Especially since she ran over and pried open the nearest windowpane.

"Wait, Reno…" Rufus backed up as far as he could go. "You can't throw your boss out the window."

"Oh yes I can!" Reno retorted, completely absorbed by righteous fury. "Make me clean the fucking toilets. Do I _look_ like a janitor!?!"

Here was about the time where Tseng thought he should step in. "Reno."

Rolling his eyes, the redhead glanced back in his direction. "WHAT, Tseng? Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You can't kill the President." Tseng informed him.

"He pays the wages…" Rude added.

Reno paused.  Rufus took advantage of the situation, whacked Reno over the head and strolled out, saying, "The janitor closet is just down the hall, guys."

Elena gave a long sigh, and Reno put his hands over his face with a groan. 

***

Tifa was cooking dinner when Cloud arrived home.  There had been stormy grey clouds hanging around for most of the week, and it had started pouring just as Cloud left the store.  So, dripping wet, he hovered at the doorway, looking innocent and hoping that Tifa would let him in to his own house.

Eventually she noticed him, and look pity on him.  Grabbing a towel, she let him inside.

"Thanks Tifa," he said gratefully, rubbing the towel over his spikes. "I bought some cigarettes for Cid," he added, checking to see if the box was dry.

"Oh, really." She scowled, turning back to the stove.

"They're herbal cigarettes. Healthy ones, I think." Cloud placed the box on the table.

Tifa looked at box in curiosity. "Cigarettes that are healthy, hmm?"

She seemed to approve – Cloud was relieved. "I'll give them to him at dinner, how's that?"

Tifa beamed at him. "Sure."

***

Yuffie was on the back porch, fuming to herself.  She was also trying to think of a way to get back at Cloud for casting _Seal_ on her… but she couldn't think of anything… 

She heard the front door open, and the sound of Cloud himself.  She inched to the window and peered inside.  He put a tiny little box on the table; he seemed very protective of the thing, she noted.  Even Tifa looked happy.  

When Cloud left, Yuffie put on her best innocent expression and sauntered into the kitchen. 

"It suure is wet out there," she edged past Tifa and over to the table.

"No kidding," Tifa agreed, too emersed in her cooking to notice Yuffie pocket the box. "I hope no one's out there."

"Me too yeah! Catcha later Tifa!" Yuffie hastily made tracks and examined her prize.  Cloud was obviously caring about the thing… herbal cigarettes!? She burst into giggles.  She had no idea Cloud smoked herbals.  'He wants herbals, I'll show him herbals…' she snickered, grabbing a raincoat and heading out towards the garden.

***

When Sephiroth finally called it a day, it was late in the afternoon.  Trudging through the rain, he approached the house and noticed a strange site. 

"Yuffie, why are you digging in the garden?" he asked, stopping to watch her for a moment.

She panicked, and hid something under her raincoat. "ARGGH! Vinnie don't sneak up on people like that!" She gave him a furious glare. "Now go inside before Tifa kills you for being out in the rain!"

"You're in the rain too." He pointed out.

Yuffie paused. "Yeah… but I have a raincoat!"

Vincent just shrugged and continued towards the house. 'What a strange girl' he thought.

Yuffie got back to her work.

***

Dinner was a big event in the household.  Tifa insisted that everyone should come together at least once a day, to have at least a semblance of normality.  She moved the box of herbal cigarettes (she coulda sworn Cloud put them on the table, not next to the stove) out of the way, and placed a giant pot of something on the table.  The smell of rich hot meat would call everyone.

Cid and Barret, of course dropped in first. 

"Smells good, like always Tifa!" Barret said with unusual eloquence, while Cid was silent.  Cait Sith sat at the table even though he didn't eat.

Cloud, Vincent and Yuffie joined them next, and Tifa smiled happily, seeing everyone together.

"So, what have you been up to lately, Vincent?" she asked, trying to make conversation as they ate.

Vincent shrugged. "The food is nice, Tifa. How's that for evading your question?"

"I wish I could eat food…" Cait Sith whined.

"Shut up, foo!" Barret retorted.

Cloud decided now was a good time to give Cid the cigarettes.  Reaching over to them, he put them on the table. "Cid, I bought something for you."

Yuffie abruptly choked on her food.

Cid gave the box a sceptical glance. "What the $%&#% is this?" he asked gruffly.

"Herbal cigarettes, Cid," Tifa explained. "They've got less tar in them."

"Oh…" Cid shook one out, glared at it for a bit.  Yuffie was looking slightly panicked.

"Cid those cigs look pretty cheap if you ask me!" she chimed in. "How abouts I go down to the store and buy you a better brand huh!?"

Cid gave the ninja a rare smile. "That's nice of ya, brat." He remarked, before lighting up. "Guess I shouldn'ta cast _Seal_ on you after all, seeing as you…" he coughed and began to choke.

"Wha?!" Barret pounded the pilot on the back. "The hell's wrong wit you?!"

"Choking on the one thing he loves the most," Cait Sith said with a grin.

Yuffie was shaking in fury. "It was YOU!?" she shrilled. "Good thing I packed them with grass and dirt because YOU DESERVE IT!"

Vincent nodded. "So that's what you were doing…" He didn't sound overly surprised.

On the other hand, Cloud and Tifa were looking on in horror as Cid coughed up whatever he just inhaled.

"%^&%^*%&*…" he finally rasped, eyes watering and his cheeks red. "I need water…" he lurched to his feet and staggered to the sink.

"Yuffie!" Tifa scowled at the ninja, who was still looking defiant. "That's a terrible thing to do!"

"No it's not!" Yuffie put her hands on her hips and glared. "He cast _Seal_ on me! For noooo reason!"

"Man, you all $#&#$ed up." Barret exclaimed, getting up from the table. "I'm watching the football, foos." 

Cait Sith whooped and joined him.  

Cloud just looked around blankly as the table emptied except for Tifa. "Well," he said. "I don't think Cid'll be smoking much from now on." 

Tifa glanced out the window.

"$%&%^&… _that's_ better…" they heard Cid say, and familiar smelling smoke began to curl towards the roof.

Cloud sighed.

***

Reno hurled open the cleaning closet, cursing as a pile of mops toppled over on the pair.

"Ugh!" Elena wrinkled her nose. "This is all your fault, Reno!"

"Fuck you, Elena." Reno retorted, feeling even more pissed off because she was right. "The only reason you're with me is 'cause you and you 'sexual harassment in the workplace' bullshit."

Elena didn't respond, instead grabbing a mop and striking him in the shins.

"God dammit!" Reno responded in kind.

Upstairs, Rufus switched on the video camera, kicked up his feet, and watched the fun. "I love my job." He said to himself with a satisfied smile.

***

Okay… the next chapter should be up sometime soon, since I actually have an idea for it.  Miss Midgar, anyone? And a return of Reeve, Shera, Red XIII (shock he's not dead!) and of course Aeris and our loveable lunatic Sephiroth.

R/R and I'll love you forever! Cya!


	7. Let's cyclone on everyone's parade

Okay. I am _still_ here, everyone! I just want to say a huge thanks for everyone who reviewed my last chapters. There's a better explanation why I haven't updated in months down below.

Anyway!

Chapter 7: Let's cyclone on everyone's parade.

Rating: PG…

Disclaimer: Same old, same old…

* * *

It started on a rainy Tuesday morning; Tifa and Yuffie were picking up their groceries, hair products and such, when Tifa spotted a poster on the wall. Actually, the pink paper and bright yellow stars caught her attention. She dragged Yuffie over to take a look, ignoring the ninja's protests. Her eyes quickly skimmed the ad, and she squealed in delight.

"Loook!!! Oh, what a _tremendous_ opportunity!" Tifa clutched her hands to her chest. Or, tried to at least. "This is so exciting, Yuffie!"

Yuffie pulled her arm free in annoyance. "_What_, Tifa!?" she grumbled, reading over the notice and being completely unimpressed. "So what? All that stupid girly stuff, WHATever!"

Tifa was entranced. Casting a quick eye to the left and right, she snatched the poster off the wall and stuffed it in her bag. Then she hurried off, leaving Yuffie to carry the groceries.

* * *

Cloud was sitting on the porch when the pair returned; Tifa had a broad grin on her face as she danced up the stairs and into the house. It didn't worry him too much… Tifa was usually a cheerful sort of person, right?

Yuffie dragged herself and the groceries onto the porch. Yuffie was also usually fairly chirpy as well… but at the moment she wore an irritated frown.

"Er… Yuffie?"

"She wants to be the next Miss Midgar." Yuffie snorted. "Some stupid girly show."

Cloud looked perplexed. "What's wrong with that?" he questioned.

"Well she wants _me_ to enter as well! _That's_ what's WRONG with it!" Yuffie retorted, leaving the groceries on the wet porch to storm into the house. Cloud scratched his head. 'Women…'

* * *

Reno snagged the _Midgar Daily_ from the receptionist on his way into work, flipping through the news as he waited for the elevator. A piece on page 3 grabbed his attention. "Miss Midgar Pageant…" Images of beautiful women strutting across a stage swept through his dirty little mind, and he grinned. The smile was still on his face as he wandered into the Turk offices and sat at his desk.

"Reno, you can _read_?" An astonished voice distracted him, as Elena gasped theatrically. "Have you been going to special classes?"

Reno shot her his most disgusted glare. She wasn't fazed. "I _CAN_ read, Elena," he retorted, retreating back behind his newspaper.

"Whatever, Reno." Elena yawned, already bored of the conversation. She looked around, waiting for Rude and Tseng to arrive.

"Hey, Laney," Reno asked absently. "Would you ever enter a beauty pageant?"

"Like one of those Miss Midgar and Miss Gongaga things?" Elena snorted. "_As if_. Beauty pageants are sexist, and whoever enters them are usually vapid blonds who exist only for men's pleasure."

"Uhm…" Reno paused. 'I always knew she was a closet feminist...' he thought with a smirk.

"Usually the sort of women _you_ go after, Reno." Elena concluded with disdain. "The stupid blonde type."

"The only stupid blonde I go after is you, Elena dearest." Reno rolled his eyes. 'I forgot to mention closet bitch as well…'

"Excuse me for NOT being flattered." Elena turned her nose up and huffed, turning her chair away from him. Argument over.

'Ok,' Reno mused to himself. 'If she mentions the toilet incident _once_, I'm gonna make her enter that pageant… that's a fair deal.' He nodded to himself, and turned to the sport section of his paper.

The door opened, and Rude and Tseng entered, the latter holding several folders stuffed with paper.

"Good morning!" Elena chirped with a malicious smirk as Tseng confiscated Reno's newspaper.

"I've got this weeks assignments from Rufus," he announced in a slightly sour tone, giving a folder to each Turk, and tucking the last one under his arm.

Reno muttered something unintelligible and stuffed his folder in a drawer before even looking at it. "I never thought I'd say I want Reeve back," he commented darkly, as Elena and Rude began to skim through their files.

"Irrelevant." Tseng's eyebrows folded together in an angry scowl. "So get to work."

He ordered, before striding to his personal office and slamming the door behind him.

Elena cast a curious look at the closed door. "Someone's not in a good mood today," she remarked. "I wonder what's his problem?"

Rude didn't answer, and Reno didn't feel like telling her that, obviously, it was Rufus being a prat, as per usual, that was pissing off her boss. Instead, he ran his hands through his bright red hair, rubbed his eyes, and decided that he was bored.

"Rude, do you wanna swap assignments?" He offered, looking up at him.

"… you haven't even looked at yours yet…" Rude's trailed off, like usual.

Elena raised an eyebrow over her assignment. "Why do you want to change, Reno? Just in case you get toilet duty again?" She teased, amusement flaring in her brown eyes. "And I was so sure that you actually _enjoyed_ falling into one."

_Oops…_

"You're gonna regret that one, Elena." Reno frowned and stood up. But instead of going over and trying to hurt her like he usual would, he just left the room. Quite calmly, actually.

Even Rude looked confused. "Reno fell in a toilet?"

Elena snickered, both relieved and apprehensive that Reno didn't go after her with something sharp and/or electric. "I didn't mean to trip him, really."

Rude nodded. "…"

* * *

Tifa was still in a slightly euphoric sort of daze, taking out the pageant poster and gazing at it every so often. It was slightly sickening.

The others didn't know what to say. Barret and Cid didn't even want to _know_, and Cait Sith was only interested because he wanted to see Tifa humiliate herself in public.

"Ugh, this is so pathetic I'm gonna barf," Yuffie groaned. She was lying on the old couch, her limbs dangling off the edges. "Only stupid blondes can do stupid stuff like that. Tifa's lost her marbles."

Cloud was trying to be supportive. "Yuffie," he said in his most fatherly, responsible voice. "We should support Tifa, if that's what she wants to do. After all, it makes her happy, right?"

Yuffie looked into Cloud's bright blue eyes. They were so earnest and sincere. "Now I'm REALLY gonna puke!" Yuffie mock-gagged for everyone's benefit. "If you don't win anything cool, then what's the point of looking like an idiot on stage?!"

"Hmm…" Cloud nudged Yuffie's legs off the couch and sat down. "Well, they say that the prestige and national recognition is enough."

"I said '_valuable_', Cloud." The ninja retorted, rolling her eyes. "Uugghhh, I totally don't care. I'm not leaving. You guys go to Midgar and I'll stay at the nice, warm sunny beach, which is _way_ nicer than Midgar will ever be. Hmph."

Thunder rumbled outside, and the lights flickered.

Cid stuck his head in the doorway. "Yo, Spike, I heard there's a cyclone headed this way. We're takin' off in the Highwind, get somewhere not $%&%$in' crazy weathered."

Yuffie moaned, curling her hands protectively around her stomach. "Noo, I'd rather stay in crazy weather than get in your stinky crappy ship."

"The Highwind is NOT stinky _OR_ crappy, you little BRAT!" Cid retorted, looking highly offended.

"It is TOO!"

Cloud sighed. Leaving the two to their fight, he noticed Vincent watching the rain from the front window. Strange; he hadn't noticed him there before… oh well.

"So what do you think about beauty pageants, Vincent?" he asked, coming to stand beside the ex-Turk.

Vincent didn't change expression. "They say that true beauty comes from inside," he murmured.

Left unspoken was that Vincent couldn't give a damn about pageants, but Cloud kind of figured that out on his own.

"Well…" he cleared his throat. "Tifa wants to go, but you can stay here. I think everyone's taking off before a cyclone hits." Which was fair enough, he silently added.

"The cyclone will pass." Vincent replied simply.

"Who died and made _you_ weatherman?" Cid snorted, having overheard the last comment.

Tifa bounced into the room. "Cloud, there's a 500 gil entry fee." She stated, looking innocent and pleading and batted her eyes for extra affect.

"That's okay." Cloud said, proudly being the only reasonable person in the entire house. "I'll pay it."

"Are you gonna pay for the dress? And the swimsuit too?" Yuffie interrupted rudely, swooping in and snatching the pageant poster out of Tifa's hands. Her eyes ran over the information. "So… there's an entrance fee, and there's a dress thing, and a swimsuit thing," she shuddered, "and a talent… you need to be talented to win?!" she sniggered. Offering Tifa a consoling look, she said, "I'm sorry Tifa, but I don't think you'll make it past the swimsuits. You see, you actually have to be _talented-_" Yuffie danced backwards, successfully avoiding Tifa's nails that were heading fast in her direction.

"Now, girls," Cloud hastened to get between them. "We all know Tifa is very talented…"

"She can cook eggs on stage," Cait Sith remarked, appearing from nowhere. Cid and Yuffie began to snigger, but halted due to Tifa sending them dangerous glares.

Cloud sighed again.

"Oh yeah, Vince," Cait Sith continued. "There was mail for you this morning."

Vincent turned away from the window and fastened a slightly nasty look on the moogle. "It's early evening now." He observed coolly. "Did it take all day for you to get from the mailbox to the house?"

Cait Sith withered under Vincent's icy gaze. "Ok ok!" The cat finally squeaked, thrusting the letter in his direction. Vincent took it, and calmly read it.

There was a moment of silence.

"Well?" Cid finally demanded. "No one ever gets %&$#in' mail here. It's gotta be somethin' good." He added, slightly defensive.

Vincent's voice was completely neutral. "I have been asked by the Midgar Council to be one of the judges of the Miss Midgar Pageant."

Yuffie bit back a laugh.

"Failure to do so will cause in a 100,000 gil fine." Vincent finished, and his glare dared anyone to express amusement.

Silence.

"…well." Cloud finally said. "We can't really argue with that, now, can we?"

"Yes, we can." Vincent retorted. Was that a pout forming on his pale face? Never…

"Shut up and get in the $%#$in' plane." Cid snapped, successfully ending the argument before it even began.

* * *

Reno gave the wooden door a firm knock. After a moment, the doors opened, and he entered, sauntering up the set of stairs, and coming face to face with Rufus.

Who, as usual, was sitting with his feet kicked up on the desk, watching surveillance tapes.

"Do you ever actually _work_, Reno?" the so-called President of Neo-Shinra remarked dryly.

"I could ask you the same question." Reno retorted smoothly, shoving some papers off the desk and sitting on the corning.

Rufus growled. "What do you _want_, anyway?"

Reno smiled. "A favour."

Rufus' eyes narrowed.

Reno continued without even noticing the scepticism. "I was reading the newspaper this morning-"

"You can read?!" Rufus exclaimed in mock-surprise.

Reno's eyes narrowed into thin slits. "I CAN read," he grated out.

Rufus just nodded. "Go on."

Reno took a calming breath. "There's a Miss Midgar pageant on, and-"

"You feel like cross dressing? _Again_?" Rufus interrupted again, the same look of surprise on his flawless features. "You know what the police said _last_ time they caught you…"

"If you don't let me finish, I'm going to throw you face first down the stairs." Reno said, his calm voice making the threat much more deadly.

"Ok, ok…" Rufus rolled his eyes and folded his arms behind his head. "Go on."

"…So I thought it might be a good idea to promote a more equal-gender based Neo-Shinra." Reno finally finished.

Rufus raised an eyebrow. "Why? There's only 3 women working here." He paused. "What's your _point_?"

"If we put _Elena_ in the pageant, we're showing the masses that we're not just an elite group of nasty businessmen, but Neo-Shinra employs good, normal people as well."

Reno had no idea where he was pulling this shit from, but it sounded good to him.

Rufus was not fooled. "This is about Elena pushing you into a toilet, isn't it." He said bluntly. "Not that I blame you; that must've been highly unpleasant…" In response to Reno's look of complete, pure surprise, Rufus laughed. "Did you think I wasn't going to _watch_?"

Reno stayed silent, his mako-blue eyes boring holes into the carpet. 'How fucking embarrassing,' he thought.

Rufus watched the Turk for a moment, and made his decision. "Okay. I'll go in and tell her myself."

Reno looked at his boss in surprise. "You will?"

Rufus grinned. "Of course. All that bullshit you were talking might be right… but seeing Elena have to wear a swimsuit will be entertaining as a bonus."

"Don't mention that this was my idea… Sir." Reno asked, a sly grin spreading over his face. 'This is perfect.'

* * *

Half an hour later, when the four Turks were hard at work researching their assignments, Rufus made his entrance.

They stood; Reno keeping his eyes downcast lest they betray him.

"Sir." Tseng said tonelessly.

"Ohh, cheer up Tseng," Rufus told him breezily. He turned to Elena. "Forget your assignments for this week."

Elena blinked in surprise; Tseng was also looking sharply at Rufus. "What is this about?" He spoke for her.

"I heard this morning that the Miss Midgar Pageant is on again…"

Elena shot a murderous glare at Reno, who returned the look with a completely innocent one of his own.

"… and to increase support of a more 'rounded' organization…" Rufus continued.

_This was your idea_, Elena mouthed at Reno.

"…we want people to know that we're normal people just like them…"

Reno shook his head in emphatic denial.

"…and since there's so few women in the organization…"

_I am going to kill you_, Elena said soundlessly, and she meant every word.

"…Elena is the perfect candidate to enter. A Turk running for Miss Midgar is perfect." Rufus finished. "The polls will go through the roof. The people need to know that even the Turks are people just like they are, and that we're not a male-based organization."

Tseng was staring dumbfounded at him. "Uhh, Sir?"

"Yes, Tseng?"

"Isn't the fact that the Turks are a highly elite section of Neo-Shinra meant to put fear into our adversaries? Won't this get rid of the protection we create for ourselves?"

"Hmm. Good point." Rufus nodded. Reno shot him a slightly pleading look.

"Still…" Rufus continued. "It doesn't matter. Elena is going to show the citizens of Midgar that Neo-Shinra is staffed by people, not a tyrant."

"…But you are." Rude pointed out impassively.

Rufus shot him a confused glance. "Yes, so?" He shrugged. "The people don't need to know that. They need to know that we're a group of hardworking, normal people."

Tseng was still lost as to why he needed to sacrifice one of his staff for this… _travesty_.

Sensing Tseng's displeasure, Rufus added, "This conversation is over. Elena, apply for the Pageant before the end of the day."

And with that, he strolled out, leaving three very confused Turks, and a secretly satisfied Reno.

"Reno," Elena turned to face the red-haired Turk, who was still looking completely innocent. "Words really can't describe how much you're going to regret this." She stated simply.

Reno snickered, throwing himself onto the couch. Shifting around a little to get comfortable, he remarked, "That sounded familiar. Now where have I heard that before." He snapped his fingers, as if he just recalled. "Oh, _now_ I remember. I think I said those same words to _you_, Laney dear."

Elena's left eye began to twitch. She turned to Tseng as a last resort. "Sir? _Please_ don't make me do this!"

Tseng didn't like it; but he really didn't have a choice. "I'm sorry." He said simply.

"_Noo_!" Elena wailed, collapsing at her desk and covering her face with her hands. "Reno, I hate you!"

And from the couch, Reno thought that they were the best words he'd heard all day.

* * *

Please don't tell me how it's been since I last updated… Blame my lack of computer! Anyways, now that I own one that actually _works_ again… expect more regular updates.

This was done in one sitting, so it's not gonna be word-perfect. Sorry, I just wanted to get this out!

Anyway, all your comments were very appreciated, especially Mike Danko and BlueBubbles... Your comments out of the blue got me going again, so thanks a lot!

(I will now pimp for reviews)

:D

Next time: Enter the pageant. Aeris returns, and she's going after the title. Yuffie gets blackmailed into entering, and Sephiroth makes an appearance.


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